Semi-Fake Bio

My bio in the program for shows at City Garage is pretty simple. I made up the following fantasy bio out of fear. This was for "The Bacchae," where I appeared as the flutist. Typecasting sucks, no? This bio has been updated to include the work I've done since.

IRENE CASAREZ The Flutist
From the concrete slab of Culver City, California (home of the Scarlet Lady Saloon), Irene graduated Culver City High School (Class of 1990, best known for its delusions of grandeur), where she acquired a taste for cute boys with hair in their eyes, sarcasm, Kurt Vonnegut, drummers, jeans that zip up at the ankles, punk rock, the film "Harold and Maude," and the joy of run-on sentences. In high school, Irene played flute and piccolo in the semi-terrible marching band, and in the pit orchestra for the musicals "Cabaret," "Leader of the Pack," "Little Mary Sunshine," and "Anything Goes;" her fondest memories from doing musicals include getting yelled at for burning gummy bears on her stand light and mocking the twin girls in the violin section for flirting with the drummers. She also spent two seasons as second flute in the Los Angeles Junior Philharmonic, and with them, performed at the Pantages Theater. Her costume for the LA Jr. Phil consisted of a floor length custom-made black satin gown with a sweetheart neckline and 3/4 length sleeves that puffed at the shoulder.

Yes, it's true - that description has not been exaggerated for comic effect. Photos exist but, alas, have been confiscated by the authorities.

After graduation, Irene received an invitation to audition for the Marine Corps band, which she declined, due to a fear of having to run and/or wear yet another ugly uniform.

For several years after graduating Culver High, Irene worked at various low-paying retail jobs until she auditioned for and was accepted to Cal Arts where she ostensibly would have acquired a B.A. in Music Performance, had she not balked at the tuition fee. In the years between graduating high school and not going to Cal Arts, Irene attended many lackluster Community College courses, finding them excellent opportunities for catching up on one's sleep, lacking the one thing she had counted on in high school: the opportunity to sketch Sean Leys' head. Also during these years she learned to drive, and to appreciate dark beers and slightly older men with blue or blue-green eyes. She was in the orchestra for the Culver City Civic Light Opera's production of "The King and I," however, she doesn't recall the exact year that happened (1994?); she does remember the cute smiley-face paper plate thing the clarinet player made for her mic, to assuage her rather unrealistic fears of being amplified.

Since 1995 Irene has performed in the following small ensembles, on a mostly yearly basis: Sacred Heart College reunion; playing with various other flutists for the old lady's women's club's (exact name unknown) Christmas brunch, Christmas caroling in Brentwood on flutes with the only two music teachers she's ever had (sorry Mr. Gregory), and at various weddings and funerals (mostly during the winter months).

Since around 1992, Irene has been the website administrator, secretary, and de facto "tuner" for the Culver City Flute Choir, a group of adult amateur flutists. She is quite proud of her ability to sustain a mostly solid, consistent A for the time required to tune up to 13 flutists; some of whom, and it is questionable, may or may not actually possess the ability to hear. She intends for that last comment to be taken in the nicest possible way.

She has worked at various retail establishments, making friends and enemies indiscriminately (Beth, I'm speaking to you). She would also like to point out that should you wish for your bookstore (independent or not) to succeed, do not hire her. While her work performance was in all instances excellent (except for her inability to be on time), every single bookstore she worked in has since closed. In spite of her outspoken stated love for books and bookstores, it has been speculated that Irene is intent on taking them all down, one by one. Personally, I would keep an eye on her when she even shops at bookstores. Or libraries.

In 1996 she, as a surprise to everyone, canceled a wedding (her own) two weeks before the date (heartbreak #2), and, a fairly decent amount of time later took up with a red-haired, chain-smoking, possibly depressed, 18-year old (heartbreak #2.5). Irene quit working retail in 2001 (heartbreak #4), and works now at a job about which she will only say, pays better than any bookstore she ever closed (as stated before, that would be... all of them), and is happily married to a very talented drummer, a member of the band Magnolia Thunderpussy ("the best SST band you never heard of"). She resides somewhere in Southern California with her husband, three cats, a mortgage, a lot of books, CDs, an obsession for obtaining more MP3s than anyone else, and a very eclectic record collection.

In 2001, Irene appeared in THE GERTRUDE STEIN PROJECT, wearing a pair of tuxedo pants and a corset, where she played flute and Patrick's big ol' Paiste Rude cymbal (her fluttering trills were mentioned in the LA Times and LA Weekly); and in 2004, she worked behind the scenes as Assistant Director for PATRIOT ACT. In 2006, Irene returned to the stage as the Flutist in THE BACCHAE, where she was the only female member of the cast not asked to make out with Dionysus, a slight she still feels to this day. Irene has been the sound/light operator for IPHIGENIA, RHINOCEROS, QUARTET, THE BALD SOPRANO, BAD PENNY, THE MISSION (ACCOMPLISHED), THE BOURGEOIS GENTILHOMME, and THE SCHOOL FOR WIVES.

She is very pleased to work again with us here at City Garage while wearing slightly more clothing (though it does get rather hot up there in the booth).

(Original post date: 9/7/06; updated 12/27/08)