No news means they lost my film

In October, when I got my mammogram and breast exam, I was told by the technician upon her initial inspection of my film, that all looked okay, and that, after whatever more detailed review they had to do occured, if nothing showed up, I probably wouldn't hear anything for awhile.

She then told me:

"No news is good news."

Since time subsequently passed and I received the proverbial no news, I ceased worrying about it and moved on to other things (the blackness of my soul, for one. It's a recurring theme, that one).

Yesterday Patrick told me that the mammography department had called, but he didn't remember when, so I listened to all the old messages on our machine. Turns out they called twice, the first time a week ago, and the second time, Monday. Patrick is hereby banned from listening to the machine. I didn't yell, but I put on the Serious voice I've been practicing for if/when we have children. I can tell you this much: it doesn't work on the cats, but Patrick was adequately affected. Anyway, he didn't do it on purpose, so he's forgiven. This morning I called the mammography department and was told that I have to go back and re-do everything, because they lost my film.

They lost my film.

This wouldn't be a big deal, I suppose, for a person who is skilled in the art of positive thinking. I also suppose in order to acquire that skill, like any other, one must practice. One could also remember, as I so cheesily stated earlier, that "now starts now" and begin the positive thinking with this experience.

I could, and perhaps I still will. But right now I am thinking the following things:

• That something bad is lurking on that film
• That what someone told me last year about my "karma" (based on comments and emails I had sent to this person which have all been physically deleted but which still exist in my silly little head) - which is bullshit, I know, because that person isn't allowed to mess with me anymore - might be true (hence the black soul thoughts) <--Badly written, vague, stupid thought, this second bullet item.
• That Something BAD is lurking on that film
• Something bad is lurking on that film

On Friday I will return to redo everything, and I'm sure it will be fine, but I've just never been good with the waiting and seeing part. And I get that stupid mammograms are a part of life and that I will be doing them every few years for the rest of my life: I see the logic in it, I see the sense, but this is the first one, and it's all fucked up right now.

So, I spent a good part of the morning reading a year's worth of Daisy Owl. Daisy Owl is genius, and I feel much better now.

I will calm down. But it looks like I get a mammogram for Christmas.