Healing from the inside out:

A post in which I attempt to avoid using the word "breast."

This week is better than last week.

I seem to be healing fine from my surgery. I've had to return every day to Kaiser to have a nurse repack and check my wound. I'm not a huge fan of this - going to Kaiser is a hassle. At first I was pretty pissed off about it but I'm trying out an attitude adjustment. I need to be more positive. It's true that at first it hurt me to repack it but as time goes on it takes less time, and hurts less, and the nurses are all good at it. And they all say it's draining nicely and looks to be healing. They have to repack it because the surgeon didn't close up the hole: I have to heal from the inside out. I did cry the first couple of times, but I'm not sure that was from pain. Just frustration that this has happened to me. But that's what I'm talking about - changing my attitude. I'm really lucky it wasn't worse, that there were no complications, that my family was able to come and be with me and help with the baby - lots of people have worse stuff to deal with, and here I am, with a loving family, beautiful baby boy who I can still nurse. I'm not going to complain anymore.

This week we started Jules in daycare. Even though I don't go back to work for two more weeks, I wanted a chance to adjust while I can be around the house and not all the way in East LA. He's going to go twice a week (he'll spend two days with his dad, two days in daycare, two days with me solo, and one day with me and his dad). It will eventually be a long day for him: Patrick will drop him off at 6:30 a.m. and pick him up by 6:30 p.m., unless he can adjust his schedule and leave a little earlier. I hope he can do that. Yesterday was Jules' first day. I stayed for the morning so I could check things out, and nurse him (to save my precious milk supply). We've met the teachers before and seen the place but I wanted to see how things really go. I stayed until about 11:30 and then I had to go to Kaiser. His class (the Infant room, of course) has about 6 other babies, all older than him (the next youngest is about 5 months, I think), and two teachers (other teachers help cover breaks or if they need help). The other babies are cute. I really enjoyed spending the morning there. While I was out, I called and his teacher told me how he was doing. Leaving him yesterday surprisingly wasn't very hard, and after I did what I had to do, I picked him up early and brought him home. His teacher told me he was a good boy, and I believe her. He seemed very happy.

Today we're doing it differently, though. We tried our "real" routine - we got up at 5 a.m. and I fed the baby. That takes about 45 minutes. Patrick got ready for work. When I finished feeding Jules, I brushed my teeth and got dressed. No shower. This schedule already needs tweaking! Also I'll have to have clothes ready because when I go back to work, I'm only going to have 15 minutes, 20 tops, to get ready. Then Patrick got the baby in his car seat, got the bottles and stuff he'll need for the day, and took him to daycare. I followed in my car to make sure Patrick got him checked in and settled okay (of course, he did). Then I LEFT.

That's right, I'm sitting on my couch in a baby-less house. It feels weird. I've already thought through how I'm going to spend my day: in about 30 minutes, as if I were at work, I'm going to pump some milk (before that I need to start a load of laundry). Then I'm going to clean out all the ancient toxic household cleaners under the bathroom and kitchen sinks. We're going natural. Then, as it gets closer to the time I need to go to Kaiser, I'm going to take a shower. I can't get my bandage wet unless it's right before the nurse is going to change it. This shower is going to be such a luxury! I feel guilty looking forward to it. We have to do a whole day of daycare, though so we know how much milk to send him with when I'm not all the way at work. Yesterday he only had time for one bottle (though I sent two) before I picked him up.

After Kaiser I might go out for lunch. I'm thinking Subway but it might be nice to go somewhere and sit down, and read a book. Maybe my favorite Mexican place, which is close to Jules' daycare. I'll stop by and check on him and try to control my urge to take him home.

Well, an alarm is going off in the bedroom that has never gone off before (7:30 is a weird time for me to have set an alarm), so I guess that's my cue to stop wasting time and get started on my chores. If I have to be away from Jules I want to make the most of it and do the things that are hard to do while I'm focused on him. Otherwise I'll just sit around today and mope.