The Forgetter Strikes Again

Two weeks ago, Jules came home from school with something he had made for me.

It was a bracelet, crafted from colorful fuzzy pipe cleaners and one metal-like leaf. The leaf gave the whole thing an elvish air. I loved it. I promised to wear it. I promised to wear it to work.

Well, as Jules as begun calling me, I am The Forgetter, a moniker I have earned, because dude. I forgot.

This morning I was getting dressed at around 6 a.m. for work. Jules woke up - he usually gets up at 6:30, so each morning, I miss saying goodbye to him when he's actually awake, because I have to leave by 6:15 at the very latest.. But this morning, he got up and started getting out of bed. I asked him, "Hey, why are you up so early?" He mumbled (eyes half closed still!), "I don't want you to forget..." and stumbled off into the living room. I didn't follow him right away because I was still putting on my bra, but Patrick went in there and turned the TV on for him. After I had a shirt on, I went to him and he got up from the couch and walked over to the little green side table we have, where the bracelet (actually, I think it looks like a wrist corsage) has been sitting.

He picked it up and walked back over to me. "You have to wear it to work today. You keep forgetting." And then he helped me put it on.

I wore it in the car for a while, but it was making driving difficult, so I took it off. Then, when I got to work, I had many things to carry: an apple, my coffee, a magazine: I didn't have a free hand, and I left it in the car. However, I went down to get it, and am now wearing it proudly. And when I told my coworkers the whole story, they all died.

The past and future (caught up in July)

So here we are in another July. It seems like this one came around much faster than it should have. I'm trying not to look at it negatively but there is only one day this month that really matters.

July 20.

Yesterday I put in a request to have that day off. The last place I want to be is at work on that day. Not here. Not with these people. On that day? The day she died.

Today my request was approved, and when the request popped up on my Outlook calendar, even though I typed up the request yesterday without feeling anything, I teared up a little at my desk before I clicked "accept."

Last night on my way bome, stuck in terrible traffic, I listened to "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads. I wondered if my mother had ever heard that song. Probably - my older brother was a fan of theirs and I think still living at home when that album came out. I wondered if she liked it.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. I was thinking of spa day, or at least a massage. Or maybe a movie. Patrick isn't taking the day off, but doesn't think I should be alone. Maybe I'll visit a friend. Maybe I'll see if Patty is available, and ask if she wants to play duets all day. I mean, literally ALL DAY. She used to love marathon duet dates - she has way more stamina for it than I do. But what else helps me more than making music?

(Well. Shopping is up there, but I don't think Patrick would like that.)

It's in less than two weeks. I feel it coming, like a truck.

Monday morning edition box office rant

I admit it: I'm a pretty hardcore newshead. I start everyday with @nprnews and the @kevinandbean show. Reliable sources, both. And yet both of these venerable news agencies insist, every Monday morning, on telling me what the weekend box office totals (generally for movies I didn't, and won't ever, see) was. How many millions did "Spy" make? I really don't care. Does anyone? And isn't that information readily available, elsewhere, for those who do?

On the other hand, if NPR stops talking about this, that probably means they'll increase the time for Sandra Tsing Loh, the one time during my morning ablutions when I actually consider homicide. Never mind. Keep talking about the movies.

Oh yeah, that happened: The Voice Finale

This week I "finally" watched the Voice finale show (last week I watched the finale of "Dancing with the Stars. I was happy for Rumer Willis and her win, and was strangely delighted to hear Erin Andrews pronounce the word "finale" as "fin-all.").

My number one comment is that the finale is so long! Some of the performances - with Sheryl Crow, John Fogerty, Ed Sheeran, and others) felt like indulgent filler. I thought some of the song choices were wrong (Fogerty and Sawyer should have sung "Fortunate Son," not that limp medley). I honestly thought Sheryl Crow had retired (Ah. That's why she was there!). I've only heard of Ed Sheeran because I've seen him a few times on this show - I don't know who he is or why he's apparently popular.

One of the performances, though, blew me away: all four judges doing a tribute to B.B. King. Christina sang so perfectly and beautifully, and even Adam surprised me. They all did a really good job.

I already knew who had won but I didn't know the order of the runner ups. I was surprised Koryn was 4th, not that it matters. When she sang with other, voted off contestants, she stood out as the most interesting voice on that stage. She earned a place in the top three.

Joshua bored me these last few weeks.

Megan is already a star and I hope to see and hear her again soon. I'm not 100% sure what she's going to do or what genre of music she wants to conquer, but she has a gorgeous, beautiful voice.

Sawyer - not the best singer of these four but the one most settled in his style. He always sounded sure of, and like himself. I loved his last song, with his mom and dad nearby on stage. I'm glad he won. I liked Taylor John Williams from last season more but I can see why Sawyer won.

See you next season…

Coyote Wonder

Earlier this morning, it was reported that three coyotes were spotted in the area where many of my co-workers, myself included, walk on our breaks.

The email said that the coyotes were spotted "wondering" around in the area.

This of course opened a rabbit hole from which I have yet to climb.

The coyotes have been named, in my head, sight unseen: Sandy, Elmer, and Butch. If I should encounter one, my first question, of course, is going to be, "So. Coyote. Whatcha thinkin' about?"

You should take note that in my head, I have been pronouncing the word "coyote" as "ki-yot."

My friend Andrea and I have been discussing this at length, via email. I haven't done this in a while, but here is our complete email exchange thus far (oldest at the bottom), because obviously I think we are funny:

From: Irene
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2015
To: Andrea
Subject: RE: Coyotes on the walking routes

In the 3^rd grade, at camp, I was a surprisingly accurate marksman with a bow and arrow. However, at that same camp, there was a solar eclipse in the middle of the day, and we were all stretched out on rocks like the kids on the cover to Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy. It’s possible there were other mysterious forces at work. Aliens, probably.

Thank you for the offer of weaponry. I will rely upon my wits and street smarts if I have a run-in with Sandy, Elmer, or Butch. “BACK OFF, KI-YOT!”

Does ACME have a 1-800 number?

From: Andrea
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2015
To: Irene
Subject: RE: Coyotes on the walking routes

I wouldn’t. They may not be the fun-loving, “Wile E.” type. Is a long range crossbow an option or is that too obvious?

How about a giant anvil with ACME embossed on the side?

From: Irene
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2015
To: Andrea
Subject: RE: Coyotes on the walking routes

 NO. Can’t I put a coyote in a sleeper hold?

 In my head, I keep pronouncing “COYOTE” as “KI-YOT.” I’m a hillbilly. Or something. Cracking myself up.

 Or I’ve lost it completely.

From: Andrea
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2015
To: Irene
Subject: RE: Coyotes on the walking routes

Did I ever buy you a taser?

From: Irene
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2015
To: Andrea
Subject: FW: Coyotes on the walking routes

 This is my favorite thing to happen today.

 Should I run into one of the three coyotes (whom I have named Sandy, Elmer, and Butch, without seeing them), I will be sure to ask, “Man! What kinds of things does a coyote about?” CUE “True Men Don’t Kill Coyotes.” (The only RHCP song worth mentioning. And I think it might be a cover.)

How are you?

From:
Sent: Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Cc:
Subject: Coyotes on the walking routes

(Notification that coyotes were spotted. Actual text redacted.)

On second thought...

Yesterday, I was out with my coworkers on our break. We were going up the hill, and passing the long line of cars that park along the street where we walk. This street is basically a private road, because the area it allows access to contains mostly county facilities: there's a fire station, and the Sheriff's Department training camp, for example. So for the most part, these cars belong to the trainees. We see the trainees themselves sometimes, either in black suits or workout gear, or full uniforms, running around carrying packs and gear. Once on a Friday I saw them all out en masse, running in formation out to the main boulevard. Whenever they're all on the sidewalk getting in or out of their cars, and they see us coming, one of them will shout, "Stand down!" and the rest will step aside so we can pass. It's very exciting, actually. They have a field there, and there's a helicopter pad too. They have a shooting range, and it can be disconcerting to hear the gunshots as I'm walking to HR or another of our buildings. It's a cool place to walk; there are a lot of things to look at. And, as we come down the hill, there's a good view of the 710 freeway and the smog over LA.

As I passed the line of cars yesterday, I noticed that one of them had a Morrissey sticker on the bumper. It was some kind of Toyota, pretty beat up. The first thought I had was, "Damn. Do we really want a Sheriff who's a Morrissey fan?"

And the second thought was, "Hell yes, we want a Sheriff who's a Morrissey fan!"

Wouldn't it be nice if all the world's crime fighters were inspired by animal lovers and pacifists?

(I read on Wikipedia that Morrissey has a history of being accused of being a racist. I don't know if this is true. I also read that he was absolved of this accusation. Wikipedia was my source for quick research; I am aware that it's not necessarily accurate or truthful, however, I choose to believe that the guy who wrote most of the songs that helped me survive the funk I was in for all of high school is probably imperfect, but kind and intelligent. You can think what you will.)

The Voice Top 10 Live Show

It's a rainy Saturday, and I'm finally catching up on the past week's episodes. Jules and Patrick are playing out in the garage, and Patrick's playing something scary-sounding on the record player. Oh, wait, I think it's just Black Sabbath. Here goes my recap:

Again, Carson is yelling at me. But the audience is very loud, so I won't take it personally. After introducing the judges, Carson reminds us that two people are going home tonight And there are new people helping out the coaches. They're all producers:

Mark Ronson (DJ, producer, etc.) is Christina's guest coach. He worked with Amy Winehouse and Bruno Mars. He's also pretty cute.

Blake's guest coach is Scott Hendrix. Carson tells us how influential he is, and his success rate. Impressed.

Adam is using Dave Stewart! Adam says, "It's okay, really, he's just written every song." Dave looks really good too but I'm curious about what's under that hat.

Pharrell is using the lead singer from "One Republic" who is also a producer. I think his name is Ryan. No idea who this dude is. But success is success and he seems to have attained it.

All 10 artists come out to perform a medley of Elton John songs. This could potentially be terrible. Fingers crossed.

Corey and Sawyer start out great on "Rocket Man" but Deanna. No, girl. Just: no. Josh sounds smooth. India is also out of her element. All these people are wearing white pants. They sound good as a group.

Now they're doing "Saturday's Alright for Fighting." Hannah sounds possessed. Meghan looks great but I'm not sure if they're getting this key. Kimberly Nicole looks so good, but sounds just okay. And Rob, too, is doing a good job. Koryn is taking this in a lower register than sounds good?

If they only do two songs is it still a "medley"?

Carson is explaining something... and now it's Kimberly Nicole, Christina and Mark Ronson. I can't figure out his accent. I love, love love his hair. Kimberly is doing an Etta James song that Christina has a connection with, "Something's Got a Hold on Me." Mark is advising her that this song is all about melody, and giving some tips to the band, none of whom respond.

Kimberly Nicole's staging is pretty dramatic. She's reclining sideways on a funky red bench that looks like it came from a Prince video. She's all glittery and sparkly. No tutu today. Her voice sounds great but this doesn't sound modern or rock-infused, which was what I thought they said is what they were going for? Perhaps I wasn't listening well. A friend has been texting me. Blame that for any loss of attention. This lady can sing and the end gets really exciting but stylewise, I wish they'd done something different.

She has tears in her eyes at the end, and I, of course, love her for that.

Just as a side note, Christina's hair seems to have been flatironed to DEATH. And those extensions are way too long. It looks funny.

Pharrell's comments are great. I can't write anymore about them. He seems to love what he heard.
Adam looks terrible and he's very serious.
Christina (her coach) says, "You always bring it." She does. That's true.
Irene: I was not disappointed. She delivered a great performance. I'm just not sure her voice is the winning voice.

Josh, Adam and Dave are working together. Adam gave him a love song but I don't know what it is because the sound cut out. Adam is telling him to have faith that he can hit the notes. Dave likes his sincerity. And then Adam calls Joshua "dude" and the realness of that whole conversation died.

Okay, the song is called "Hold Back the River." I am unfamiliar with it. Josh is wearing a t-shirt and a vest. He sounds pretty good. And man, those eyes are KILLER. He looks a little like Bruce Springsteen. Is this Bruce's song? The phrasing of this song is weird. I think we've heard him sound better. I'm hearing limitations to his range. Adam makes yet another bad song choice.

I love that they have the drummer out. I love when the band is onstage.

Blake: He seems to like the performance but sees that the song pushed him vocally. Blake thinks it was okay but I don't know.
Pharrell: He thought it was good to show his range of songs he can sing, but I don't think it was complimentary to Josh's abilities.
Adam: Adam really looks bad. He says the risk didn't totally pay off. What a great coach. Hashtag sarcasm.
Irene: Josh is good. But I think this is it for him. His pitch was really loose.

Now some people from some shows are in the audience.

Now Blake, Scott, and Hannah are working together. Blake calls her "America's Favorite." Hannah chooses another song from the 80s: "Shout," by Tears for Fears. Scott just referred to Hannah as "possessed." DID I NOT SAY THAT EARLIER? Blake wants to take the song in a military vein. He also wants to strip the 80s-ness from it, which I think is an excellent idea.

Just to put my opinion out there, I wish she would choose songs that were not quite so well-known. "Pale Shelter" or "Woman in Chains," maybe? She clearly wants drama.... I'd even settle for "Head Over Heels." There would be opportunities there for her that would be more interesting to me.

Okay let's see this interpretation. Oh. Marching band drummers on stage? Yes, please. They're not doing much but they look good. Hannah is doing a good job - her range is wide and she sounds strong. But the same old 80s melody is 100% intact, and I wish they'd done something with it. You can tell she's having fun, which I appreciate.

Christina: She says Hannah is growing up right before her eyes and becoming a superstar. She likes how she sings from her "core" and likes her Janet Jackson-inspired outfit.
Pharrell: Pharrell says he thinks it's awesome that she makes every song her own. Well. Maybe not as much as he thinks. He thinks she's a great performer.
Blake: Blake calls her a freak of nature, which is an odd compliment. Pharrell thinks "Freak of Nature" should be Hannah's album title.

Okay, it's Megan's turn. She knows it's a big deal to meet Scott Hendrix. She chose "Home" by someone I don't know. I guess it's a Louisiana-themed song, which is where she's from. It sounds bluesy and deep, which I like. Scott thinks it's missing something and seems to hit it with some of his Scott Hendrix magic, or at least that's what I think I'm seeing.

Meghan's performance starts with her and a guitarist I don't recognize from the Voice band. She sounds really, really good. I love the break in her voice. Man I wish I could sing like that.

Carson says, at the end, "Meghan Linsey is not messing around!"

Christina: Christina loves that she laid it all out there.
Adam: Adam name drops the original singer and then says she blew him away. He says it was her best performance. I agree.
Blake says Meghan told him she thought it was going to be good, and he's talking about her newfound confidence. How someone that talented could suffer from a lack of confidence is always eye opening to me.

Next: Pharrell and Ryan Tedder (?), and Koryn are up. I may have misspelled this dude's name. Koryn is excited. She's going to do "Make it Rain." Ed Sheeran is someone I only know from this show. I don't hate him. Ryan says Koryn gave him goosebumps. She sounds good in rehearsal. Ryan wants some falsetto, which Koryn doesn't think she can do. There's some nice vocal coaching happening here: this guy is good.

Oh, Koryn sounds so good. I think she and Meghan are my favorites so far. And this performance just started. She really seems lost in this song. This girl is so good! She's doing two things they always talk about: her eyes are mostly closed, and she's "just standing there" but I always get so frustrated when the coaches discuss staging and that kind of thing in the coaching sessions.

Carson reminds us that she is 16 years old. This time her young age and talent is significant.

Blake: Blake recognizes that all the performances tonight are so good. And he called her "sis."
Christina: Christina says this was her best performance, a great song choice, and refers to her "old soul."
Pharrell: Pharrell seems very happy. He says she has earned the title "inspirational singer." Koryn looks truly affected. She's so cute.
Irene: Yeah. She's very, very good.

Carson is in the skybox now, and this part of the show always bores me. Also the twitter feed. Lame. Also when Adam comments on his "bromance" with Blake. Blake says "this is easily the dumbest conversation that has ever happened on national television." Agreed.

Now it's Deanna's turn with Adam and Dave. This should be interesting. Deanna is doing "Somebody to Love." Finally some Grace Slick. Didn't I ask for this with someone? Oh: Sarah, I think. Still. Adam wants to "Florence and the Machine/Eurythmics" it up. No idea what this mean. Dave says she's a rock singer. Again, that might be the way to sell this girl to me.

She starts out great. She's beautiful of course. This is her song. I just wish every note didn't bleed into the next. She seems to have forgotten the words or where she's supposed to be going at one point? Not sure. The guitarist was nice and nodded at her. Whatever happened seems to have been fixed. Even when she hits us with some dynamics, I'm still a little underwhelmed.

Christina: She says "Wow!" and asks how she felt. Deanna says it was hard. Christina could tell that it was a different thing for her, and then comments on the outfit. What does that mean?
Adam: Adam has his patronizing voice on. He says it looks like she's having fun. And then talks about her confidence issues again. Stop it, dude.
Irene: OK. This is probably her last week but I've been wrong about her before.

Rob is up next with Mark and Christina. Christina brings up Rob's piano playing. Rob wants to do a song by Donnie Hathaway. I don't know this song. Mark seems impressed.

Rob starts out on the piano, and sounds so good. I love his voice. He's really dramatic. Not sure about the falsetto at the bottom.

Carson hugs him at the end. Cute.

Pharrell: Pharrell is happy for him (bro). He has things to say about Rob's technique. Good things. He says it was masterful.
Christina: She saw the emotion and vulnerability, and the connection with his estranged dad. She calls him "special and rare."
Irene: It was good.

I think Carson just called Corey "the King of Country." Really??

Corey is excited to meet Scott. He knows who he is. Corey picked "Unwound," which is a George Strait song. Blake things Corey needs to rock out and Scott is hearing it but not seeing it. Blake says the girls love him, and maybe he should put the guitar down so he can feel up some girls in the audience. That's maybe not what he said exactly.

Corey sounds great. It's a fun song, obviously. He shakes some hands and walks around, and he has a great big ol' smile on his face. He's adorable. And therefore, I think maybe too young or something to win - he's cute, he's skilled, but there's another door he has to open in his performances.

The audience is screaming its head off.

Adam: Adam calls him "man" and "captain consistent."
Blake: Blake calls him "dude" and I guess Corey made a mistake in the lyrics. He's glad Corey "kept on truckin'."
Irene: He needs something else. I dont know what yet.

Now we get Sawyer Fredericks. Sawyer, Ryan and Pharrell are excited about Sawyer's iTunes success. Sawyer has no complaints. He's doing a Goo Goo Dolls song, "Iris." This is a pretty song. Lame, but pretty. Sawyer has thoughts about the chorus. Pharrell just says the phrase "emotional rapport." Huh. Ryan likes Sawyer's voice a lot, and compares him to Ray Lamontagne.

They're rearranged the song but I don't hate it. He sounds good. The strings are wonderful. This is a love song, and he said right up front that he had never been in love, but the lyrics aren't necessarily directed at a woman, I don't think. He has a connection to the music without that being a problem. I think he missed an opportunity to walk around a bit but his big eyes pull me in.

Carson thanks the string section.

Blake: Blake mentions how strong Sawyer's voice is. He suggests that they haven't talked about this aspect of his voice before, but I beg to differ. I think you have, Blake.
Christina: Christina says she's a big fan. She says a couple of times that it was "nice," but then says it was "awesome."
Pharrell: Pharrell congratulates him, and says the whole room felt it "when you hit the thrust on that big note." I like that.
Irene: There were some parts that were a little too slow, a little too low. Man, I have sung this song in the car, in the shower: it gets boring. His voice is not boring. It was good, very good, and I love him, but I don't know. This wasn't my favorite performance.

India is next with a Whitney song. This does not surprise me. She walks in with Mark and Christina and I swear to god, Mark sounds drunk. So, Christina assigned "Run to You" and apparently India has some bad memories about this song. Mark wants some Whitney-esque falsetto. And they're telling her to throw away her training.

India has full-on Beyonce hair all of a sudden, and I fucking hate it. I think she has a really nice voice. I just don't think she's good enough yet for these songs. Maybe she needs to be quieter. She's good! She's just yelling at me now, slightly off key, and it's bugging me.

Pharrell: He was impressed with one of her runs.
Adam: Adam calls her "man." No, just kidding. Adam says "that was crazy."
Christina: Christina says her voice is beautiful, and that she conquered this song. I wouldn't go that far, Christina.
Irene: This is not my favorite performer. I think I've said all I should say.

The Voice - Top 12 Results

I'm still home sick today - I still can't talk. However, I can watch and listen. And type, obviously. I woke up early to watch this! So let's see if my predictions were right:

The show opens loudly. And Carson is yelling at me. The Top 12 are on stage.

Nick Jonas will perform. I cannot contain my excitement.

Oh, ssh, now Nick is onstage "Gave her my heart but she wanted my soul." Don't we all want that, Nick? His outfit reminds me vaguely of workout wear. It's slightly annoying that his black t-shirt doesn't match the gray of the jacket and pants. The background dancers are dressed like crowd control police officers, with clear shields and batons. Now a very pretty dancer is flailing her arms and crawling around on the ground by Nick. This song is nothing special. I mean, it's better than I expected, so that's something. I don't know anything about Nick Jonas. Is he a nice kid?

Special Announcement from Carson: The artists saved next week get to work with guest advisers:

Adam's team: Dave Stewart! Someone from Monday totally reminded me of Annie Lennox but I didn't say anything and now I can't remember who it was. It's that Dave Stewart, right?
Pharrell: Ryan Someone. I should know who this is, maybe?
Christina: Mark Ronson
Blake: Scott Hendricks

The Top 12 are back on stage. Carson has the names of three artists who are safe:

1. (Team Christina) Kimberly Nicole. This is not a surprise!
2. (Team Pharrell) Sawyer Fredericks. This is also not a surprise!
3. (Team Blake) Meghan Linsey. Hey. These three are great!

And... in the audience: the cast of some show I haven't watched. Okay. Thanks.

Corey, Meghan and Hannah, and Blake sing "In the Midnight Hour." Great, now I want to watch "The Commitments." Corey is singing to Hannah, and I like it. Now Hannah is putting her spell on Blake, and I think he forgot to come in when he was supposed to. I love the horn section. Is Meghan rolling her eyes? Sometimes when they do these old songs and break them up like this, the song stops making sense. Meghan looks pretty.

Now the remaining 9 are on stage. Carson is using his dramatic pauses effectively. He announces that the following artists are safe:

4. (Team Adam) Joshua Davis
5. (Team Christina) India Carney! Whoa. What?
6. (Team Blake) Hannah Kirby! Yay!

Everyone else is still at risk for elimination! Well, yes. That is why we are here.

India, Kimberly, Rob and Christina are going to perform "Hotel California." What? Christina sounds really good. This song is so lame, though. Seriously. I like the double guitar, though. Nice touch. I mean, who can't sing this song? But who wants to? And India is back in the leather jacket. Why, India? Why?

Now highlights from "behind the voice." Hannah is a writer. Okay, I l officially ove her now. Corey isn't done with school yet? What is he getting his degree in. Sawyer has been wearing hats since he was 11. Aw, all of five years. Rob and Kimberly are BFFs. Meghan has been asked to dumb herself down. Her other statements (possibly out of context) aren't making me love her. Koryn feels blessed.

Next, more saves.

7. (Team Pharrell) Koryn Hawthorne
8. (Team Christina) Rob Taylor
9. (Team Blake) Corey Kent White

Now, Deanna, Brian and Mia Z. have to sing it out so they can stay. Pharrell is selling Mia Z's talent. Team Adam is decimated. Adam is trying to be diplomatic about Brian and Deanna.

Mia Z. is singing "Stormy Sunday." I do not know this song. I can't understand a word she is saying. Her tone is pretty... but she could just be mumbling right now. I think I need subtitles.

Carson got the title wrong. It's "Stormy Monday." Pharrell is telling us she's special and different and deserves our support.

Brian is singing "Amazed." By Poe? No... it sounds like Bryan Adams? He sounds good. I love his little smile. Love songs like this are good for him. He seems so sweet. I want the best for this guy.

Adam starts a sentence with "Listen," which is a pet peeve of mine. Adam says Brian's performance was "amazing." Oh, and he also said "At the end of the day..." which is another pet peeve. At least he didn't say "it is what it is."

Deanna is doing a song called "It Will Rain." Dang girl. LEGS. This song is about drugs? Was this her blind audition song? She's singing it like she knows it, and it makes a difference, because I like it. Though I'm not sure the backup singers can catch all her notes. Maybe she doesn't even know which note she's going for.

Adam is telling her whole life story. And talking about fear and confidence building and how petrified she is. I'm not sure that telling us all this is doing Deanna any favors.

Now it's time for the Instant Save. I would choose Brian, but you knew that, didn't you.

I'm not going to comment on Pharrell's or Adam's "last words." They're just killing time, and Adam annoys me with almost every word.

Carson announces that the time has come! The artist saved is...

DEANNA.

You know what? Okay. I get it. She's so pretty, and there's something there. I wish she had a different coach, though.

The Voice - Top 12 Live Show

So, apparently the only way I can get these recaps written in real time is to stay home sick. Now, when I say "real time," I mean, the next day after the show aired live, because it's Tuesday morning. And when I say "sick," I've had laryngitis since Sunday morning. I have a Kaiser appointment later.

The show starts with the teaser about Reba McEntire being the guest coach this week. I won't lie: I love Reba. I loved her dumb show (and yes, it was dumb, but so entertaining). She has a big goofy smile and a killer voice, and I love her. She's also apparently ageless. What the hell, lady? She looks good. Carson asks Blake what he thinks: Blake rambles a little about how great Reba is.

First up is Hannah Kirby. She's adorable. Blake calls her "different." And she's doing my favorite Stevie Nicks song, "Edge of Seventeen." Reba tells her to be clearer with the words "edge of seventeen." I wish someone had told Stevie that, too.

This might be the perfect song for her. I wish she had more time to interact with the guitar player, and I don't really like the way they've edited the song.

Pharrell says: Now everything she's been doing makes sense.
Adam says: She's an amazing singer. Yes - she is, Adam!
Blake (her coach): Blake doesn't know how she could possibly be better.
Irene: She's the real deal. That last note was killer.

Next is Brian Johnson. He's so excited to meet Reba. His mom used to play Reba in the car on the way to preschool, so now I have to remember to be careful with the music I play in the car. Adam gave him "If I Ever Lose My Faith" by Sting. Why are they choosing these horrible Sting songs? There are a few good ones. This isn't one of them. Brian's not doing great in rehearsal. He said he's getting negative comments online? I love this guy. He's so good! All the haters: shut it.

Brian's performance is feeling a bit strained. I think he's struggling a little, and that makes me sad. This was a bad song choice, Adam. I like having the drums on stage, though. He sounds okay but I'm worried.

Blake: Blake is more positive than I am. Good. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope so! He says, "Your voice is so good it distorted the microphone." That's good?
Christina: She didn't hear any struggle onstage. She thinks he's making good strides.
Adam (his coach): Adam is proud. "Singing Sting is hard." Adam thinks he conquered the issues.
Irene: I don't know, dude. I have concerns. This guy should be exuding confidence: he's good. Adam made a bad song selection.

India Carney is up next. Her hair is up and curly and she looks beautiful. Christina gave her "Take Me to Church." I am so tired of this song. Christina thinks this is a "rock song." Really, Christina? Reba wants it to be grittier, evil. I think that's the only way to make this song interesting to me.

She starts out really good. So far this might be the best I've ever heard her sing. Oh. But then the band comes in. I don't know about India. Her tone is different but I always feel like she's muffled somehow. Everyone else seems to love her voice.

Pharrell: Pharrell thinks she sounds like a pro and seemed comfortable onstage.
Adam: Adam refers to her fans as evidence that she is going to break through. Maroon 5 has fans: doesn't make them good.
Blake: Blake wants to take her to church but I don't think that's what the song means, Blake. And then he called her "sis."
Christina (her coach): Christina said she saw a different person onstage. She liked the connection with the audience.
Irene: Eh. Though, big kudos to the costumers. She's beautiful and that's a killer outfit.

Mia Z. is up. Mia is growing on me. Mia's reaction to Reba is subdued. Pharrell gives her "Miss You" by the Rolling Stones. See, Adam? This is how you match a song to a singer, though Reba and Pharrell can't understand the words. I never understand Mick on this one, either.

I kind of wish it sounded like Mia had been singing this song for years: it doesn't. She sounds good, though. Where's the break? They did it, but just barely. She's losing the fun beat of this song; it's too smooth.

Adam: Adam agrees that it was a good choice. Duh, Adam. This is how it's done. I hope you're writing this down.
Blake: Blake loves how inventive she is with the melody. I do wish she'd done more with the rhythm, too.
Christina: Agrees with Blake. She likes that she used the highest notes possible.
Pharrell (her coach): Pharrell wants to make sure she had fun. Pharrell loved it.
Irene: It was okay. She's talented but maybe needs some more coaching, or music training. Singing isn't just melody and words: it's feeling the beat. Maybe she does that. I just get a little bored.

Deanna Johnson is next. Deanna says she is the biggest Reba fan on the planet. I hope Reba has some good tips for her. Adam gives her a Christian song. Did I miss something? Her last song was Christian-y. Deanna is concerned too. And yet she thinks Adam is a genius with song selection. Yeah, no, Deanna.

Deanna. They're trying to turn her into an angel. I don't get her at all. But goddamn she's beautiful. There is probably an audience for her voice. I am not it.

Blake: Blake couldn't hear everything. He sees her confidence. That's a nice comment.
Christina: She also couldn't hear everything. She likes the song choice.
Pharrell: Pharrell is concerned that the girl who auditioned is the same girl who performed after that. But now she's the same girl. What?
Adam (her coach): Okay, there were technical issues on set. Adam couldn't be prouder.
Irene: I could be convinced if I hear her sing something else. Maybe she needs to rock out.

Sawyer Fredericks is next. My favorite! He apparently has no reaction to Reba, or they didn't film it. He's been given "Imagine" by John Lennon. Did Sawyer win the lottery too? He loves the song and Reba thinks he's powerful, and then he giggles. Reba tells him to smile, to show his soul through his eyes. Dude. I'm sure he's already got girls propositioning him on Instagram.

His guitar playing is so good. And the changes to rhythm and melody are LOVELY. Normally I hate that with these classic songs but damn, kid. It was good.

Adam: I'm sure he's going to comment on his age. Or compare himself to Sawyer. And yes, and yes.
Blake: Blake refers to the loss of voice on the "you-hoo," and then comments on how he made it seem like he intended for that to happen. Yes! This is what musicians should be able to do. Make even the mistakes sound right. This kid is real.
Christina: Christina caught it too. Didn't everyone? She applauds his ability to make it sound natural.
Pharrell: Pharrell is proud, and glad Sawyer knows how to play the mistakes. He's happy.
Irene: Last season I loved Taylor John Williams: these guys are similar, but I'm even more into Sawyer. Next week I bet they give him an Arlo Guthrie song to sing. Or an Oingo Boingo song. "Little Girls," of course. (That's sort of a joke.) What can't he do?

Rob Taylor is up, and excited to hug Reba. Christina gives Rob my favorite song, "I Put a Spell on You." Christina is a genius. Reba wants to make sure Rob does something different. Christina wants Rob to push it as far as he can. Reba thinks Rob made a connection with her. I like that.

Rob has some cool Pink Floyd graphics behind him. His little laugh in the beginning is RAD. Rob is really making this song exciting. He sounds so good! And the arrangement is great: good job, whoever.

Pharrell looks stunned - all the judges stand at the end.

Pharrell: Seems speechless... and then talks. Says he was masterful.
Adam: Adam thinks Rob pulled ahead of everyone else so far.
Christina (his coach): Christina says she is speechless... and then talks. She loves Rob's interpretation and performance. She says he was "free and in the moment."
Irene: Damn! This was wonderful. This song is powerful, and Rob did a great job selling it.

Corey Kent White is next. He's happy to meet the queen of country. He seems awed to be there. Blake gave him a song I don't know but wants him to be a "bad boy." I think that's a good idea. Reba likes his sincerity.

I don't even know what to write. He's exactly what a country singer should look and sound like.

Christina: Christina knows the girls like him. Says it was really really nice.
Adam: Feels like Corey is so close to something he couldn't express in any kind of way.
Blake (his coach): Agrees with Adam, whatever it was Adam said. Notes that Corey's singing wasn't perfect, but thinks Corey is going to get to the point where he's even better.
Irene: There were pitchy moments. I read a comment on last week's recap on the LA Times where some troll was so disgusted that the other country singer (the guy with the awful mustache, and the hat) was sent home instead of Corey, that this dude said "I'll never watch the Voice again!" Hey, man, that's probably fine with everyone. I like Corey. He's a little too cute, do you know what I mean?

Now: Koryn Hawthorne. She's so bubbly and sweet. Pharrell says she's inspirational. Koryn chose a song I don't know. Could it be a Kelly Clarkson song? Koryn has arranged the song, apparently. She's talking to the band: I like that.

Koryn has that same tonal quality that India has, vocally. I prefer Koryn, though: she's stronger. She picked a good song for herself. She sounds fun, and really good. This is the type of "rock song" India should've done, and in this same style. She put tears in my eyes. I'm dumb.

Blake: He says, "She has made the most out of a second chance."
Christina: Christina sees her confidence and compared her to Tina Turner.
Pharrell (her coach): He loves the "soundwave" her voice creates. Says she's an inspiration.
Irene: She did great. I wouldn't buy her album: but she's a great singer and deserves to make one.

It's time for Joshua Davis. He's doing a Simon and Garfunkel song. What a surprise. Where's my campfire? Actually, I love this song. Reba likes his smile and twinkly eyes. Me too. Adam takes the guitar away: this could be a good idea. Reba says it makes him "nekkid." And... Adam compares himself to Joshua. NO! Adam. Shut up about YOURSELF.

I like Joshua's breathy take on this. He doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands. That's understandable. He sounds really good! I want to know what else he can do, though. These folk songs are beautiful and perfect but...

Blake: BLAKE DOESN'T KNOW THIS SONG. His excuse? "I'm a hillbilly." Blake thinks Joshua could have written this song. That is a huge compliment.
Christina: She knows getting rid of the guitar was hard.
Pharrell: Thought this was the best performance yet. He thinks he connected with the lyric.
Adam (his coach): Adam wants to make sure he does what Joshua wants. He says "It was perfect." And then he shut up. That part was perfect for me.
Irene: Beautifully sung. This guy has gorgeous eyes. But what else can he do? Seriously. If he makes it to next week I really want him to take a different type of song and put his Joshua on it, but be different. Otherwise I might be getting bored.

Meghan Linsey is next... Reba is thrilled to death. Blake gave her his favorite country song on the radio: "Girl Crush" by Little Big Town. I don't know this song but I've heard of this band. Reba wants more drama and for her to bare her soul.

Meghan sounds really good. And this is a great song. Oh! And then she hits a killer long note: this thing might be over. She's so good. I don't think she did exactly what Blake and Reba wanted but still really, really good.

Pharrell: Pharrell says she nailed it.
Adam: Adam says she reminds her of him. Oh, no, he didn't say that. He says she's amazing, and that she killed it, and then his stupid robot voice kicked in.
Blake (her coach): Blake thinks this might be her breakout moment. I think so too. He calls her "sis."
Irene: I will buy this. She was wonderful.

Kimberly Nichole is doing "House of the Rising Sun." I was just talking about this song with someone. It's a great song.  Reba points out that there are many levels of intensity with this song: I hope Kimberly hears that.

I love how they're making the beginning so dark. Shit. And now she hit that note: she's kicking ass. NOW this thing is over. If she keeps this up? She will win.

Pharrell: Pharrell was standing for most of her performance. He said "There are no words."
Adam: Adam says, "What?" Pithy idiot.
Blake: Blake thinks Christina might win with her. Yep.
Christina: She loved the interpretation.
Irene: This song isn't new or exciting but Kimberly did such a wonderful job on it. I actually rolled it back and watched it again. You can tell she loved doing it. That is so cool that she got that chance.

So, if I have to make a prediction: Deanna and Brian will go home tonight. Possibly Corey. Meghan, Rob, Kimberly and Koryn should be at the top. We'll see if I'm right later.

Well, at some point while writing this, I went to the doctor for my laryngitis. He has put me off work today and tomorrow... so it looks like I'll get to write about the results show that is on tonight, tomorrow. I did not plan this. Seriously. I didn't.

This is the Voice. Oh, wait, no it isn't - it's just me.

I've been watching the Voice again this season, but unfortunately I'm not able to tune in when the show is actually on so I keep up thanks to Hulu.

The live shows start tomorrow, though, and I keep thinking I'd like to live blog them. In anticipation of my having time to do that (as unlikely as that is), I offer my opinion on the show and the contestants thus far.

The Judges:

Blake: I love him. I have a feeling Blake doesn't say everything he really thinks - his on-air personality feels a bit manufactured sometimes. I don't know anything about him as a country singer or performer or a celebrity. Aside from knowing he's married to Miranda Lambert and he acts like he drinks a lot, I don't know anything about him as a person, either. His opinions and instincts most of the time mirror mine, but since I'm nobody and he's a star, this doesn't matter very much for me. I believe that he has the strongest team.

Christina: Man, she's talented. Her music isn't the kind of thing I like now, or ever did, even when I was younger, but I am so impressed with her. She's smart. She knows music. She's a great coach. She has the second strongest team, I think. Again: not my kind of thing but my personal tastes in music have nothing to do with who should win this show. Obviously.

Adam: He's an attention whore. His fake feud with Blake is annoying and his stupid comments are the worst. He sort of knows music (though, his advice to that kid who sang the Pearl Jam song made me cringe) and that's fine but I think what he really knows and excels at, is getting people to look at him. He's educated himself about music enough to get to where he is, and he can sing the sort of songs he sings and that's fine, but I'm not buying whatever he's selling. However, his team has most of my favorites, so I'm going to have to be sure I can fully justify any mean comments I have to make about him.

Pharrell: He had the most interesting team, but the kids he has left are, for me, except for one major exception, forgettable. If one of them wins this show I will be shocked, though it would be totally due to his coaching and bringing something out in them they weren't going to reveal on their own. His advice and sort of Jedi-master style are wonderful. He seems like a fun guy, who has a love for music, and for the contestants on the show. Maybe in real life he's an asshole (how would I know?) but I don't think so. Well, I hope not. I'd like to hang out with him and just listen to him talk.

The Contestants

Team Blake

Brooke: She can sing, but I don't think the song choices have been quite right, yet. She's so young, it's hard to say what she can do.

Hannah: Love her. Though whoever let her choose that 80s song (and now I can't remember what it was. "I Wanna Know What Love Is"? It was something horrible) did her a great disservice. Oh: it was "Higher Love." I don't think Steve Winwood songs are going to have a revival. There could be a taste issue here. Her attitude and smile are infectious, though. She's a very good singer, and a fun performer to watch. She truly is "not like anyone else," as the judges are so fond of telling these people.

Meghan: I was really disappointed when she said she was going to do "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman." These singing shows are so much like karaoke, and that song in particular is a cliche for strong female singers. Yes, she killed it: she had to, didn't she? To fall down on that one would've been career suicide. But if she'd killed us with something less obvious I think I would respect her more.

Corey: I feel like Corey is learning how to use his emotions to sell a song. Now: he's an experienced performer, so maybe he knew this already. He has a lovely voice, isn't ugly, and seems to be really learning things and growing as a performer. I look forward to his performances.

Sarah: I feel like I've seen and or heard this woman before. That's not bad. She's fine. Maybe I'm really feeling her Grace Slick vibe and I'm surprised no one else has mentioned it. I like Grace Slick, that's not a slam. I'd like to see what else she can do.

Team Christina

India: I loved her bio when they introduced her. She started out interesting. Her voice is lovely, but she's just not a compelling performer. And look, I know this is superficial, but I preferred her personal style. That leather jacket they keep showing her in drives me crazy.

Kimberly: She could be so good! Again, I think the song choices are hurting her. "If You Love Somebody" is the weakest Sting song ever. Well, maybe not ever. She should have sung something else from that album. "Consider Me Gone" would've been my choice for her. Even I can sing that song. Imagine what someone with talent could do with it?

Lexi: She has a great story, and can sing. Other than that I haven't been blown away, yet.

Rob: Dude has some awesome hair. He's not perfect but he feels it when he sings: you can tell. I think his future performances might be surprising. He kind of snuck in there, didn't he?

Sonic: Okay, look. I don't want to be mean. But Sonic has been oversold, don't you think? She's fine, I guess, but what she's trying to accomplish... well, I don't think she has the chops for the type of songs she's been singing.

Team Adam

Brian: I love this guy. Seriously. From his blind audition to now, he hasn't done one thing wrong. I just love his voice.

Deanna: I like her unusual voice, but sometimes she sounds too much like Cher when she sings. That's not a terrible thing but it is distracting.

Nathan: Another one! I loved his blind audition, too. This kid could make me cry with his voice. He could, but he hasn't yet. But he's so close! He also seems like he's having so much fun. Enjoy it, kid, you're doing a great job.

Tonya: I love her story! Teaching music to people in jail is such an honorable thing to do. And she's fun to watch and listen to. I think she's saving up something special for the live shows.

Joshua: He needs to be careful: he's a great singer, but he's kind of treading the line over to campfire song territory. I'd like to hear him rock out. Another one of my favorites.

Team Pharrell

Caitlin: Caitlin has failed to make an impression on me.

Lowell: Lowell has failed to make an impression on me.

Mia Z. - Mia can sing but I think, again, that she's not as great as the show wants me to think it thinks she is.

Koryn: Koryn has failed to make an impression on me.

Sawyer: I LOVE SAWYER. He's so good! He chooses unusual songs and he has so much personality and creativity when he sings. He's my favorite, I love his performances!

Okay, well, I've wasted enough time (mine and yours) with this. If I can manage it, I'll live blog tomorrow night. If not, I'll make comments as I catch up on Hulu.

Things that happen.

Some people might think I've made a mistake by posting this. I might be one of them. On the other hand, I wrote it, and though it's taking a while to click "Publish," I know that once I do, I'll probably be glad it's out there and done.

The other day, I heard a sad story on the radio during my drive home. I'm smart: usually I change the station when the sad stories come on, and this was so obviously going to be one of those right from the start that I don't know what was wrong with me, because I let myself listen.

The story was about a woman who has metastatic cancer. She got her diagnosis 15 years ago, and since then, has had recurring treatments and appointments every six months. Her cancer will recede, and then it will come back. 15 years of chemo and whatever - it is taking a toll on her, as you might imagine. She's 71 now and you could tell she's depressed (she also says straight out: "I'm depressed," which I thought was brave), but still smart and funny. Her naturally vibrant personality was obvious, but her kids and her husband see the change in her.

But she's here.

I heard it fairly late in my commute. It made me cry a little, but I knew I had to stop by the time I got home. Patrick was cooking dinner when I walked in the door, and I told him I'd "heard a sad story" on the radio. He was busy, and he said, "I never listen to sad stories." I heard Jules playing in the living room, and I didn't know what else to say, so I went to our bedroom to change clothes and then hung out and played with Jules. The rest of the night was normal.

The next morning when I was back in the car was not.

Somewhere between the 605 freeway and my office (that's about 15-20 minutes of driving, depending on traffic), I lost it. I'm not sure what the trigger was. Oh: yes I do. It was that Jason Isbell song "Elephant." (There is something about his voice that always makes me emotional anyway. It's so beautiful and sad. It's hard to imagine how he wrote it, or if he really lived that story. I follow him on Twitter and he's obviously more than his beautiful sad voice: the guy is smart, and funny, too.) Anyway, I finally arrived at work and I sat there for a long time in the parking lot, crying.

I miss my mom so much, and some days are harder than others. These moments seem to be happening a bit more frequently. I don't remember what all the stages of grief are (a hundred years ago, I read that Kubler-Ross book at the register while working in some bookstore, for no good reason), but sometimes I worry that I'm getting worse. It seems to me that's not how it's supposed to work. I mean, I do have totally normal days and nights - lots of them. I have days like this, too. I don't really know what normal is, as far as this stuff goes, so it would probably be best to try to stop worrying about it and just accept that this is the way I'm going to be for a while. It's only been 8 months, and maybe my expectations of what this is "supposed" to feel like are unrealistic. I heard someone say that you never get over the loss of a parent - hearing that was hard. Never. You never get over it? I don't want to think about it that way.

(I don't want to get over it. I just want it to stop feeling like I've been run over by a truck.)

It isn't just music that starts this feeling, either. I was watching that show "A Chef's Life" on PBS, and there's something about Vivian Howard's mother that reminds me of my own. Something about the way she handed her daughter - a successful chef with her own restaurant and television show - a hairbrush, on camera, that reminded me of my mother. Vivian's comment, "Oh, so you think my hair is messy?" or something like that, was so much gentler than how I would have responded, but it was still very familiar. My mother was commenting on my hair until she stopped commenting on anything. I had to stop watching. It's the same with those old episodes of Martha Stewart's original cooking show when she had her mother on. These women had the type of mom I recognize and respect, and miss.

I've considered not posting this many times. It's been a draft for almost a full week. I don't want anyone to worry about me; I don't want to post things that are so obviously personal and emotional because maybe I should keep those things private. Maybe I should be more self-protective with this stuff. But protected from what? I guess I'll find out.

I texted a friend while I was sitting there in my car that day. It was basically the skeleton of this whole story (sometimes my texts, which by necessity are shorter and simpler than these posts, are just better writing. For one thing, they contain fewer parentheses), and even though there was no response right away, after I sent the texts I felt ready to go upstairs. For instance, I was able to joke about inexplicably not having any Kleenex in the car (I said, "And I don't have any goddamn Kleenex."); I kind of knew I was going to be okay at that moment. I wiped my eyes with my hand, maybe a little bit on my sleeve, and I got out of the car. Later, my friend told me I was "strong" to do that. I don't think so. I think I was just surviving it in the simplest way I could. A little dramatic, but short-lived just then. Until the next time, I guess.

Hey lady, why don't you take a hike?

I am back to having every other Friday off, so this morning I woke up early so I could take my son to school. I haven't been able to do that in a long time; I was happy about it. Due to my schedule and my office's inflexibility about being on time (I mean, really. The nerve!), it's better if my husband takes him, and picks him up. When I got to do it in the past, I would always take a nice long walk afterward. I like that part, too. So, earlier in the week I had asked, via Facebook, if any of the parents at his school could recommend a good area to hike or walk nearby, and one of them told me about the Dominguez Gap.

It was a little hard to find - despite having a great Yelp page, the Yelp directions are not rooted in reality. However, the Yelpers were kind enough to give better directions, and after a wrong turn or two, I found it. It's in a weird area: between the 710 freeway/LA River, and a trailer park. There's also the bike path, and the Blue Line off in the distance. I felt a little uneasy at first - I wished I'd had a dog or a friend along with me - but after a while I relaxed and just walked and looked around.

There is a marshy area that stretches along the path. I can't call the 3 miles (I traveled one portion twice) I walked an official "hike" because half of it was paved, but there was some wildlife and flowers and plants, and I have quite a few little rocks and pebbles in my shoes. It really was beautiful. Next time I will bring a hat, though, because there isn't a lot of shade.

I saw:

• Two dudes on horses having a rather inappropriate conversation
• Three other solo walkers - all walking in the opposite direction
• Two dog walkers - one leashed, one not (the dogs, not the walkers)
• One runner
• Countless ducks and little birds
• Four lizards
• Dozens of butterflies
• Three dragonflies - one flew beside me for quite a while
• The Italian cycling team (hey, it could've been. I think it's been too long since I saw "Breaking Away")

I said hello to everyone I passed, except the runner, because he appeared to be in pain. Also he was wearing headphones, and I doubt he would have heard me. I figured by saying hello, a murderer or rapist might be put off by blatant friendliness and rethink his or her path in life.

I used to just walk the residential area near the school because the homes there are huge, obviously expensive, and beautiful. I will admit that I probably prefer eyeballing the rich houses to this sort of isolated, possibly artificial, but still lovely, wilderness. It's good to have an alternative, though, and I did feel a bit more meditative and peaceful than usual.

Afterwards I drove to Starbucks and got an iced Cafe Americano; that feeling might be short lived.

minutiae, part 2

Yesterday, I decided to treat myself to some Albertson's fried chicken for dinner. I also picked up some chicken strips and mojos for the boys. On my way out of the parking lot, I stopped at the sidewalk to let two teenage girls on bicycles go by.

I had the window down and the radio on. I was driving Patrick's car, and I was listening to KUSC. I liked what I was listening to so much I used Soundhound to find out what it was (and I just bought it off of iTunes). It was the Allegro maestoso from "4 Romantic Pieces," by Dvorak, played by Gil Shaham and Orli Shaham. If I've misidentified it, I apologize.

Anyway, because I can't listen to any music at a decent volume, it was rather loud. And I'm sitting there, waiting for these girls, who were riding their bikes on the sidewalk, to pass (I was glad to see them on the sidewalk. Traffic is very busy on that street and cars scream by at a million miles an hour. I never pull out thinking I have enough time so I always wait until it's absolutely clear).

This Sunday I was super lazy: I showered at like, 2pm. I didn't put on any earrings or blow dry my hair, which means that my naturally wavy hair, which blow drying, in general, tames, was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and my bangs were looking pretty wild.

One of the girls, who was blond and adorable in that way blond teens usually are, got rather close to my open window and said, in a surprisingly masculine voice, "I love your curls!"

They were gone before I had a chance to react. But I laughed all the way home.

minutiae

After dinner tonight I mentioned to my husband that I hadn't achieved my step goal for the day. At the time I was lying on the couch in my pajamas. He said, Well, you could go to Walgreens and get Dora some cat food.

I thought about it for a long minute, and then I got up and went to change. I left the house a few minutes after 8. It was a little cold but otherwise, a quiet, beautiful night. Walgreens isn't that far; it's about a ten minute walk. About half a block away, my Fitbit buzzed that I had reached my goal. I had only needed 250 steps. I considered turning back and just driving there, but I didn't. 

As I walked, I thought about the clothes I had thrown on: a man's zipper hooded sweatshirt, burgundy, that's too big for me. I bought it when I was pregnant. It's very snuggly. I was also wearing a blue t-shirt, skinny jeans, and my new black converse that desperately need breaking in. Oh, and my canvas backpack from Powell's Bookstore in Oregon. I looked like a very old runaway. 

The whole trip was about 1,300 steps. I'm glad I went. This afternoon I had cake and ice cream at a coworker's goodbye party. 

This post is not titled.

I got home a bit early today, and as I was driving here, had made all sorts of plans for how I would spend this extra time alone. One of the things I wanted to do was practice. Last night, I listened to an old performance with the flute choir from about six years ago, and though that performance wasn't perfect (I never am), I was struck by the difference in my sound from then to now. Hearing the difference really bummed me out. "Bummed me out" is the stupidest phrase for describing what I really felt, but I'm not sure I want to put it all into words. I listened to the performance three times, and I heard the obvious mistakes (a huge, wrongly placed breath, for example), but what I mostly heard was my clear tone, some pretty vibrato, and expressive playing. The piece wasn't anything hard, but I heard me, sounding like me, playing like me: and I don't think I'm playing that way anymore.

This feeling sort of applies to other things I've been thinking about lately - well, maybe not "things" - maybe just my outsides. I was able to express this in conversation with my brother-in-law, and I told him: I'm losing weight, I'm the smallest I've ever been, but I don't feel much better about my body than I did before. He totally got it and gave me some good advice, but the thing is, I still haven't done any of the things he suggested.

So I got here and the house was a bit cluttered and there was laundry to do (Jules had an accident in his bed last night) and so instead, I straightened up a bit, threw the sheets I had washed this morning in the dryer and the rest of the blankets in the washer, put on my sweats, and now I am sitting on the couch with my iPod syncing to iTunes, watching "Mexico One Plate at a Time" on the TV. Patrick will be home with Jules soon and then we are going to go to the grocery store.

Maybe I'll practice later. Maybe I'll go for a walk after dinner. Or maybe I won't.

The value of a handwritten note.

I don’t know if everyone who has lost a loved one thinks the same way I am, right now.

(Actually, I doubt very much that anyone thinks the same way I do. That statement probably has "psycho killer" written all over it.)

As someone who is unsure about God and all the things my mother believed so much in, it might sound crazy, what I’m about to say (any of it it, actually). I’m finding it hard this year to get excited about Christmas. On Saturday, December 20, it will only be five months since my mother passed away. I’ve been missing her so much lately. The few sentences in this paragraph seem to cover so much ground, and none of it goes together: faith, Christmas, grief. But the other day I was sitting in my car, driving somewhere. The car is where I either get a lot of thinking done (quietly, alone, moving along, or not moving along, depending on the flow of traffic) or I do absolutely no thinking at all (iPod on, volume set to very loud, singing badly and as loudly as possible). I was sitting there, driving somewhere, and for some reason I was imagining myself having a conversation with a friend, who was not present at the time. I don’t know why I was talking to him in my mind. Maybe because this person is a great listener, and unemotional but kind. It’s good to talk to someone like that – it makes me control my own emotions, and to be a better storyteller. In my head I was telling him about something that happened last week.

Jules found the little bag of cards I've been saving for him. I keep them hanging on the inside knob of his bedroom door, but he’s never noticed it before, even though it's been there his whole life. I thought it contained only the cards I received at each of the baby showers I was so lucky to have, but it turns out I had forgotten that I've been putting other cards in there for him. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, even an anniversary card from my husband. He dumped all the cards out on his bed, and started pulling out the ones he liked: one with a kitty on it, one that made sounds. I read them all to him. He was enjoying it. Then he found one that my mom had sent to him for his first Valentine’s Day. He asked me to read it, so I read the corny printed message. Then he asked who wrote it, and I said, "Grandma wrote it."

He asked me to read it, so I did. I don't remember what it said, but I remember feeling shocked to see her actual penmanship: her style of writing, which I always thought was so pretty. My sister agrees. Mom's handwriting packs a powerful punch. In those loops and swirls: my mother lives. She had a special way with the cursive capital letters. At the time she gave him the card she was still strong and able to move around well. Later her writing got messier and her thoughts weren't clear. I read what she wrote, and I started crying. It was the actual penmanship that made me undone: her strong hand that I'll never see or feel again, and neither will he. I wiped my face and said, "Let's go get your daddy." We went to the living room where Patrick was relaxing on the couch in the dark (only the Christmas tree lights were on), and Jules went back to his room to get something to show him. While he was gone I really started crying. Patrick rubbed my back and gave me a hug, and then he went into Jules’ room to finish getting him ready for bed. I went to my own bed and fell asleep for a while.

So... I’m telling this story to my friend, in my head, remember, and I say to him (he who is not present), as I get to this part in the story, “I miss my mom... I wonder if she misses me.”

I haven’t actually said those words to him yet. I don’t know if I will. It’s totally illogical, and therefore, something he would hate. But I think that’s what is at the core of my sadness right now. I'm pretty sure my friend would say, in response to my question, “I think that’s something one tells, not something one asks.” But how will I know if I don’t ask? I've been saying that my whole life. Anyway, there's no one to ask, is there.

(I think my friend would also remind me to not take what he says so seriously.)

She's gone. I don’t know how “gone” she is. I don't feel like, wherever she is, that she could miss me... but how could she not? - I don't know. I don’t know how to find out. 

Dreams

Lately I've been sleeping pretty well. (Shoot, I just ruined it, didn't I.) I haven't even been waking up when my son gets in bed with us in the middle of the night. I'm not sure what the change is or why it's getting better. I haven't really been doing anything differently. Perhaps I should stop talking now.

In the past week I had two funny dreams that, since content on this thing has been slim, I thought I should share with you.

The first one was last week sometime. I think it was Wednesday.

I've been wanting to get glasses from Warby Parker for a while now. I even went there early last summer to check them out. I even recommended a friend get some (he did). Right now I don't really need new reading glasses, but I could really use a new pair of sunglasses. My old red Ray Bans are not really cutting it anymore. Plus the prescription is old. So I visited the store in LA in the summer (I think it was the hottest day of the year). However, when I was there I was told that my prescription is too strong, and they won't make it in sunglasses. It took me a while to figure out that I could buy the glasses from them and then have them made elsewhere. Anyway, that's not my dream.

I dreamed that I went into the store, and stood looking at the display for a while. Finally a hipster-y guy came up to me and asked if I needed any help. I said, yes, I'm looking for a new frame. The guy and I looked at frames for a long time, and we chose some for me. He was really nice and the frames were beautiful. I took them up to pay for them, and told the woman at the register, "That guy was really helpful! I love these frames." She looked at the guy, who was walking out the front door, and said, "Oh. He doesn't work here."

The other dream I had was just last night.

I dreamed that I was hanging out with my sixteen year old niece. She and I were talking about boys, but she was getting annoyed with me for some reason (it's doubtful that this would happen. My niece is very sweet, very polite, and even if I was actually annoying her, she would probably not show it), and so I changed the subject. Then, for some reason, I started teaching her the words to "I Don't Like Mondays," which upon waking, seems like a really bad idea.

Neither of these dreams were particular interesting but as I said, there hasn't been a lot of activity on this blog. Gotta fill the space with something, right?

You may find this offensive.

Well, maybe if it was 25 years ago. Or maybe if you're Irish. Or a fan of Les Mis. Or just don't think I'm funny (the most likely option).

I've been watching "The Voice" a lot this season. I'm really enjoying it. But because my life does not allow me to watch it in real time, I'm a couple of weeks behind. And I admit it: I don't watch the cheesy results shows. So I just tune in and wait and see which "artists" I miss.

Anyway, tonight on my way home, I heard U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday." This was a big song when I was a teenager. We didn't necessarily know right away what it was about (to me, in those days, songs were stories about things that hadn't happened in real life. It was that Crosby, Stills and Nash song "Ohio" that clued me in - these people are singing about shit that actually happened. Blew my tiny naive mind). Some of us had to be educated about the Troubles in Northern Ireland, and Bono was just the man to do it. This post is in no way intended to belittle or demean those sad events.

But "Sunday Bloody Sunday," while yes, is a political statement... it's also a story. It's a drama. It's Bono kneeling on the edge of a stage somewhere in a billowy white shirt, waving a flag, looking like a leading man in a movie. If it took hunky Paul David Hewson to get me interested in events outside my tiny little world, then hey, that's what it took.

So I heard "Sunday Bloody Sunday" in the car on the way home. It's one of those songs from my youth that's colorful and comes with a time and a place. But I was also thinking about "The Voice." And suddenly I was picturing little Regan James (is she still on? And can someone please explain to me why Blake thinks she's the next big thing? And yeah, she's 16, but there are way better, more interesting 16 year old singers in the world), dressed as a waif, with pretty Jean Kelly (is she still on?) inexplicably dressed as a World War II nurse standing behind her, and Elijah Rene (I know I spelled his name wrong. Is he still on? He's one of my favorites) also dressed as a waif, and all of them belting out "Sunday Bloody Sunday" in some kind of ripped off "Les Miserables" blocking, tears streaming down the waifs' faces, with John David Chapman climbing down from the scaffolding, and then sweeping up Jean Kelly in his arms, and then she busts out into "There Goes My Hero," by the Foo Fighters. And then there are fireworks. As the stage clears, leaving only John Taylor John Williams striding around in that hat, wearing a guitar, looking mournful and alternatively handsome, he starts to sing "Sugar Mountain" by Neil Young. For no thematically sound reason whatsoever.

My first ride in an ambulance. May it never happen again.

Last night, Jules had a fever. I knew he was hot, and when he was in my bed, he was fidgety. The last couple of nights, I haven't been sleeping very well (as I told a friend the other day, "let's stop talking about my sleeplessness. It's boring even to me") so when he kept kicking and wanting to snuggle with me, I hate to admit it but I got a tiny bit annoyed. I got up with him to use the bathroom once, though, and he seemed fine.

We had a busy day planned for today - I had an appointment at 8 to take my car to the Honda dealer for the most recent air bag recall, then we had Jules' music class at 10, and then his school scheduled family photos today. I think one of the other parents is a professional photographer. We were going to do that at 11. However, when we got up, Jules still had a fever. At around 6:30 a.m., it was about 100.5.

I decided to get up and go to the Honda dealer, and on the way stop at Weight Watchers. Jules would stay home with his daddy, and then at 11 we would go take the pictures if he felt okay. I've been looking forward to it. If the photos came out nicely, I'd planned on using them for our Christmas cards. But when Jules heard that I was going to Weight Watchers, he wanted to come too (when I have him with me, we always stop at Starbucks for an iced coffee for me, a chocolate chip cookie for him). Even though he was hot, he was in a great mood. So Patrick started getting him dressed. They were in his room, and I was in ours, doing something (I was already dressed... maybe I was just making the bed), when I heard Jules cry a little. Then Patrick called me.

Jules was having a seizure.

We don't have a land line in our house anymore. We only use our cell phones now. I grabbed mine and called 911. I could hear the difference in my voice: I was precise, maybe too loud, unemotional. I said, "My son is having a seizure. He's 3." The woman on the phone asked me my address and within seconds I was on with someone from the local fire station. I remember thinking, "Speak clearly so you don't have to repeat anything." The firemen were here in minutes.

By the time they got here (I think the paramedics were right behind them), he was starting to come out of it. They evaluated him, and told me we were going to go to the hospital. I got a little choked up - I was scared. One of the paramedics said, "You're doing great, mom." I have to admit, it's weird to be called "mom" by a grown man. My room seemed so small with the firemen and paramedics in it. I carried him outside and they said they were going to put him on the gurney, which freaked me out. It may have been my only moment of being illogical. I said, "I don't want you to put him on the gurney!" But there was no other way to do it. Jules was pretty much alert by now, naked except for underwear. I calmed down and he and I got into the ambulance with the paramedic. His name, by the way, is Paul Rodriguez. He was awesome. He was sweet with Jules, and checked on me periodically. During the ride, he talked to Jules and tried to make it fun. I couldn't see much outside, and really didn't know where were going. The siren was on.

Patrick followed us in his car, and we went to Long Beach Memorial. The paramedics said that was the best place to take him. The nurses were kind, and the doctor who checked him. We stayed there for quite a while so they could evaluate him. He got an x-ray and they tested his urine. All that was fine. He still had a temperature (not very high) and he wanted to go home. I just realized: they didn't give him any medicine. He didn't cry or whine, though, and he was such a big boy with all the sticky things for the medical equipment on him, and when the doctor and nurses were checking him. We watched a bunch of TV. At around 12:30 we were released, and came home. On the way I ran into Weight Watchers. I lost almost two pounds this week. It's not really all that surprising, considering that last week we had the stomach flu.

When we got home, Patrick gave Jules some children's Motrin and then went off to get us some lunch. Jules ate great, played with his cars for a while, and is now sleeping with his daddy in our room. I just went in to check on him, and removed his socks and pants. He seems comfortable.

Needless to say, we did none of the things on our list today. I don't know if you remember, but this happened before when he was 15 months old. For some reason I'm having trouble linking to what I wrote then. It was in May 2012. On Monday I'm supposed to call his pediatrician at Kaiser to let her know what happened. I might just stay home with him, and maybe take him to the doctor. I called the school to let them know that we were going to miss the photo appointment, but I just told the director he was sick. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that other time he had a seizure on the medical questionnaire; I'll tell her in person about this one next week.

That time, I wrote about it a few weeks after the fact. It took me a while to be able to write about it, because it was so disturbing, but febrile seizures are very common. The doctor who treated him today said she and her brother both used to get them all the time, "and we both went to Harvard and became doctors." He's had fevers since that other time, and this didn't happen, so I guess I thought it was an anomaly that other time. I guess I was wrong.

Updated 11/16/14 at 9:54AM
ICP

Cell phone

My dad started using my mom's old cell phone and telephone number. I'm not exactly sure why his own was canceled; my sister handles these things, and I'm sure there was a great reason.

I haven't changed the contact information for that number, so when my dad calls me, it looks like my mother is on the line, at least until I pick up.

Maybe I should change it. I think I should... just not yet.