Is there any other way I can help you?

I'm sure everyone has a similar story, and it's no big deal to talk to people who don't understand what you're asking them or to receive lousy customer service, but here's my story.

I just got off the phone with Citibank; they haven't received a check I mailed on 1/19. I wanted them to stop the payment on the check I wrote, and I would do an online transfer payment (because it's instantaneous and easy) but what I really wanted was for them to not be dicks and charge me a late fee, and a fee for the stop payment. But the woman helping me didn't understand what I wanted, and after I explained what I wanted to do for the second time, she goes,

"Ms. Bean, we have not received your payment. Is there any other way I can help you?"

at which point, I lost it a little, because, in what way have you helped me so far? I was pissed. Then she goes, maybe you would like to call back tomorrow and see if your check comes through? Yes, after explaining my situation to you twice [once at half-speed and double-volume, as if she were deaf and not just being dumb], I think maybe I better try my luck on this call another time. When her shift is over.

I was speaking to my co-worker the other day on a sort of related topic. The phone rings all day long at my job. My boss gets many calls on her line that have nothing to do with her: people call her thinking she can solve their problem, when the truth is, they would be better served by another person. The thing is, now they're our problem, and we have to figure out who that better person is. I haven't been there long enough to know all the answers, but my co-worker has. She quite easily and very nicely will answer any question on the phone. Her attitude on the phone is perfection: sweet but firm, knowledgeable yet friendly. She's got it covered. See, a lot of those calls are from people who call and they say this:

"Could you connect me to...?" They are asking me to connect them to someone who neither works in my office, nor works for my boss. In other words, I have become an operator. You know? With the headset, microphone, multiple phone lines, funny voice? And you know what? I'm not getting paid to fucking transfer a call. The problem is, our department does not have a hard copy of the directory.

I know that's hard to believe. But if you want a phone number you have to go online and search for it by name.

I mean, it would be really nice to have a directory of the entire department, not just alphabetical, but maybe by office? with titles and stuff? but apparently that would be too hard.

(Another thing that bugs me is, we have an area where the mail gets sorted. And everyone [well, everyone except me] has a little cubby. And the cubbies? The cubbies are in some weird order that no one understands. So instead of being alphabetical [my personal choice] or by unit [makes sense, too], you stand there for what feels like forever, searching for the name you're looking for. I asked the girl up front about this today, and she goes, "Oh, everyone asks that. But we have so much movement here with people coming and going, we'd always be having to change the cubbies." OK, so it's tape, and a label. It's not a kidney transfer. But I digress.)

Anyway, I get a little annoyed when someone calls and all they want is for me to transfer them somewhere else. I mean, at least they could ask nicely. It doesn't help that the other secretary is named Eileen, so I'm pretty much pissed off from the moment I answer the phone (oh, and did I tell you that I have to climb over about 3 feet of stuff on the ground in order to answer the phone, which, conveniently, does not ring at my desk? No? I didn't tell you about the mountain o' crap that lies between our desks? Huh. How could I have not mentioned that?) because I do my spiel, which ends with "This is Irene, can I help you?" and the caller goes,

"Eileen?"

And I go,

"No, this is IRene."

"Can you transfer me to so-and-so?"

Jackasses.

Oh, so anyway, when I was speaking to my co-worker (who, by the way, never has to say,

"No, this is EILeen" when she answers the phone),

and complimenting her on how polite she is with people, and saying that I hope one day I will be able to answer the calls with the calm and ease with which she answers them, and she made some comment about having grace, and how she really works at it, and sometimes she fails. She was nice. I've been getting a little bit overwhelmed with the quantity of stuff I've been asked to do at my job (I'm still new, though, and I love being busy, and I expect I'll get used to it eventually), and then having to put down what I'm doing to take a phone call I don't want to take is a pain in the ass...

Grace is something I definitely could use.

Grace.

I gotta look that up, 'cause I think I need some. Now, to just figure out how to get it...