On Saturday, my mom sat us down and talked to us about what she would like to happen. At her funeral.
(She's just preparing for the day, whenever it is. It could be years in the future, who knows? But the point of today's post, which I'll just spoil for you now before you read the rest of this, is that talking about things that scare you is a good thing.)
During her chemotherapy appointment on Friday (that I couldn't go to, due to a doctor's appointment of my own with the allergist, which had been scheduled before a change in my mom's schedule goofed up everything. I kept my own appointment, and my dad went with my mom), a social worker came around and had a little chat with her about her wishes. This woman, my mom said, was very kind and easy to talk to, and in a gentle way made my mom understand that planning ahead and having this discussion with us could be helpful. Friday afternoon my mom called and asked that we come over Saturday because she wanted to discuss with us what she had been thinking about.
It was a long night Friday, knowing that this type of conversation was in store for us. I didn't know exactly what she was going to say... but I had an idea.
Keep in mind: as far as we're all concerned, my mom's going to be okay, right? But you know?
It turns out that talking about everything (something, in my family, we're not all that good at doing) was a good idea. My mom's ideas for what she wants are simple, and I know we will, as my sister said, do whatever she wants in a way that will honor her life and be respectful of her wishes.
She made a special request for me to play "Amazing Grace" during the service. I have other musican friends who have done this (played at their own parents' services), and at first the thought was very scary - no, there's no "at first" because that implies that I'm not still scared. But. I want to do it. It could be very beautiful.
One thing I decided today, however, was that I'm not going to wait. She can hear me play it as soon as I get it learned (it's a simple melody, I can probably figure it out at home in a short amount of time). I have time to get prepared; it won't be a surprise. It seems like, learning this song will be a good way for me to claim... to claim my maturity as an adult and to demonstrate my mom's faith, which I am still learning to appreciate and maybe understand.