I took today off... I always need a day to re-compress after returning from any vacation, and this most recent one was the most relaxed I think I can get. So I spent the morning at the chiropractor, where Dr. Birnie and Bruce managed to wack my right leg and hip back into place. It wasn't as nice as it sounds.
My right leg and hip are an old problem for me... I'll be fine for awhile, and then will start having the very odd (and painful) sensation of being able to actually feel the bones rubbing together in there. Or I can feel the nerves being pinched... I don't know what it is, exactly. Bruce tried to explain some of my own muscular arrangements to me, but you know, lying on that massage table is not the best time to try to teach me something. I have the mental capacity of a terry cloth towel at that point. Anyway, apparently I have a shorter than usual muscle in there somewhere.
Before the massage, Dr. Birnie adjusted me, which is always hard for me. He'll get me in the position I need to be in, and then he says "Now, relax..." And then he has to re-position me, and say it again, because when I hear that word "relax" I instantly do the opposite. Maybe he should say instead, "Now, tense up..." Maybe that would work. And hearing all the pops and squeaks of my own body is never sweet music to my ears. But afterward I felt much better. And then in to the massage room, where Bruce worked his crazy, I don't know if he's for real but I'll lie here anyway, magic.
Anyway, now I'm off to an ensemble lesson... it's the last one for our friend Loren, who heads north for college at Humboldt State. Also playing tonight, besides me and Patty, will be Greg. Greg will be a senior in high school next year, and will soon be, if he's not already, kicking my ass on the flute. I love that.
...
Just got home. It was a fun night with Greg, Loren, and Patty (I hope Greg and Loren had fun...?). I picked Loren up - the kid drives, but he's on crutches at the moment, and so needs a chauffeur. It was nice to get to talk to him - he's a good guy. Playing quartets with them was fun, but I think maybe we talked more than we played. And laughed. Afterwards, Patty ordered us a pizza (plus salads for me and her), and we sat around without our flutes in our hands and talked some more (topics: Kurt Vonnegut, "Private Hotcakes," alternate dimensions, the movie "Fight Club," Radiohead, Harry Potter...). Then it was over, and we said goodbye to Loren, who leaves for school soon. I think Patty was sad; Loren said he was really excited, which makes me excited for him. He said he was "done" with high school, and ready to move on. I think he was popular, and athletic, and had a lot of friends, but I get the impression that there's more to him than sports, and he's looking forward to finding out what that is, and showing it off. He surprised me by saying he likes Radiohead and the Pixies; because of him, I rode home listening to OK Computer. No Pixies in the car at the moment!
(He also told me that his friend who went to our most recent flute recital thought I was 26. I don't know if I believe him, but still: cool! I had to ask if it was the cute, tall, male friend? No, it was a girl. Damn!)
OK Computer was my standard "going home from Culver City soundtrack" for awhile there, but I'd sort of put it aside for awhile: even I can get sick of the things I love. Anyway, listening to that lead to all sorts of crazy thoughts. "Karma Police," in particular. Most of the song is gibberish, but that whole section, "I lost myself..." feels very familiar.
I know I'm sort of rambling. I'm just feeling a tinge of regret, because I acted very much unlike me with someone. I recently got angry with someone who made a mistake with me. I said mean things, and actually wished I'd said more - that's not normally the case with me when I'm angry. I guess I can edit what I say. The thing is, I didn't say all the hurtful, pissed off, bitchy things I wanted to, and I left things in such a way that it feels wrong. I should apologize... but I'm not sure if I'm ready. And maybe they're not ready, either.
Anyway, I don't know what apologizing is supposed to accomplish. Maybe just walking away is really all that's required, sometimes, with people? I can't make the situation better: what happened isn't going to change. I don't know. I thought I didn't have to think about this anymore, but here I am, thinking about it. And maybe I'm more afraid of what this person is saying about the situation to other people? That's pretty lame, of me. I don't know, I hate thinking about it.
*Don't get me wrong - I think I might still be angry. But I do think I took it too far, with my comments, and what I had in my head. This person didn't deserve the big "fuck you" from me. So. There's that, to think about, too.
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