As you already know, when I can think of nothing good on my own to write about, posting funny emails from my friends is always a sign of something

I received the following email from a friend yesterday, kinda out of the blue:

do you know how to shoot a bow and arrow?

My overly wordy response:

No. But I can sing that ABC song...?

Oh, wait - I went to summer camp once, when I was 9? I remember there was a solar eclipse while we were out on a hike... And they taught us archery, which I was surprisingly good at, considering my vision problems and awkward hand-eye coordination.

So, to answer your question: hook me up with a child-size bow and arrow, and just tell me when and where...

Later that day, she sent me this message, again, "out of the blue:"

could you envision me as a cage fighter?

I wondered if she was considering auditioning for "American Gladiators," which, I had heard, was auditioning people to be the new Gladiators. My friend is tough. Then she asked me if I remembered "GLOW," which, I am ashamed to admit, I did not remember.

Here's my response:

You know there's also roller derby, which seems to be enjoying some sort of renaissance right now...

Her reply:

I look like a baby giraffe on roller skates. I can't even walk straight, why do you think wheels would enhance my gross motor skills?

Again, my overly wordy response:

...they just go in a circle and beat each other up, don't they? Is there even a ball or some sort of goal involved? [My apologies to anyone out there who actually roller, uh, derbies. I'm sure there is skill involved. I'm ignorant and shameless.] Looking good in the uniform and not being afraid to throw an elbow appear to be the only requirements (though, I haven't seen roller derby since the 70s; there may be actually skill involved in the new 21st century roller derby... what do I know?). Surely you have been trained to knock other women out of your way with grace and aplomb? Even I, with my pigeon toes and lack of depth perception (you should see me parallel park!) can skate. OK, well, I could - but with some practice, I'm sure both of us would be killer skaters. And I'm not talking Dove shorts, Venice Beach, and disco on the boom box (actually, my friend Tali, from Israel, was always trying to get me to go with her. Her music of choice was the "Xanadu" soundtrack. I think she had it on 8-track).

A little while later I suggested to her that she try out to host a TV show (my friend has appeared on quite a few commercials and game shows; she's probably famous in China). Here's what I said:

Are you seriously considering trying out for some sort of fighting show? You should start auditioning to HOST a show. Then you don't have to get dirty, bruised, or eat disgusting things. You've gotta revise your plan. And of course, you could always contact TLC and see about getting a tattoo from Kat Von D...

I guess before she replied, she took the time to read these entries, because her response was this:

Is there some kind of secret in connection to the amount of fried egg sandwiches you seem to be consuming?

Lordy Glordy... a tattoo from Kat is what dreams are made of.

Hosts of those shows are plasticized or created of some other man-made material. They are petite and perky. In case you haven't noticed, I am not. Along with having to get tucked, lifted and stuffed, I'd probably have to have a few ribs removed to fit the size-4 Lycra spun web of sluttiness. Participants on those shows on the other hand, are the wonderful freaks of nature that I more closely identify with. I'm not looking for the famous factor - just extra holiday spending money. I like being creative. I'll juggle my options.

So. I disagree (re the nip and tuck she thinks she requires, but then again, I know zip about being on TV), but I'll let you know when my friend can be seen on "Survivor" or "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." I'll keep you posted.