Teaching my iPod a lesson...

I had to sit down and have a stern lecture with my iPod yesterday. And when I said "I had to do it," I mean, I had to do it. Left unchecked, if I just listened to the music it thought I should, I'd be in a mental institution today. And while that might provide for some good stories, it's not my idea of a good time.

Here's our conversation, below.

(Please note: I had synced my iPod moments prior to the time of our little talk, and he seemed a bit out of breath. I had forgotten that I had been listening to the two versions I own of the R.E.M. song "Radio Free Europe" on the way home [from Murmur and Eponymous. I like the more upbeat "original hib-tone recording" but other than a snappier tempo, both songs are identical, down to the tiny little drum solo Bill takes in what is probably the third to last measure of the whole song.]. Anyway, I hit "shuffle" after "Science Fiction/Elsie". And yes, my iPod is male. I have not named him. And the first person to email in and tell me what "hib-tone" means gets a mention in my next post. Thank you for playing.)

Me: Dude.

iPod: [Time display. Charging.]

Me: What's up with all the sad songs lately?

iPod: [Time display. Charging.]

Me: Is there something you're trying to tell me, with all the breakup songs?

iPod: [Time display. Charging.]

Me: [Presses play]

iPod: [Song playing: "Scenario," by A Tribe Called Quest]

Me: Look, man, just because I'm trying to make a point here, you can't disprove the past by playing something fun and upbeat now.

iPod: "And wow how now wow how now Brown cow
We're ill till the skill gets down"

Me: Yes, I wish Q-Tip had more to say in that song, too, iPod, but come on-

iPod: [Song playing: "School," by Nirvana]

Me: Wow, this song is a lot simpler than I remember - but lookit, iPod, now you're just getting defensive.

iPod: "You're in high school again
You're in high school again
You're in high school again
You're in high school again
You're in high school again
You're in high school again
You're in high school again
You're in high school again"

Me: It is funny - all this time I thought he was saying "No resist," not "No recess." What the hell was I thinking? Was Kurt even a Star Trek fan? Boy, all these years I had that so wrong.

iPod: [Song playing: "Science Fiction," by Divinyls]

Me: You know, it really pissed me off that stupid iTunes tagged all these songs incorrectly. This isn't "Science Fiction" at all. I think it's "Elsie." The real "Science Fiction" is a terrific song. But look, quit trying to change the subject, you-

iPod: [Christina Amphlett is making strange noises in this song that almost sound like she's vomiting.]

Me: I don't know how I feel about that sound she's making, but boy the band sounds great right here. But come on, dude, I'm serious. Oh, damn, I just hit play, not shuffle. These songs are playing in alpha order, and that's not right. Left to your own devices I'm sure you'd be playing something like "You Just Haven't Earned It Yet Baby" or something. For the past week it's been practically nothing but "You Don't Love Me"-type songs. Just because I'm trying to talk to you about it, now you're all-

iPod: [Song playing: "Peanuts," by the Police]

Me: Hey, now you're kissing my ass because you know that's a Stewart Copeland song-

iPod: "Oh, no
Try to liberate me
I say, oh, no
Stay and irritate me
I said, oh, no
Try to elevate me
I said, oh, no
Just a fallen hero"

Me: I always love how Stewart's songs are so self-deprecating. The guy's anti-ego is super attractive to me. I wonder if in real life he was bumbling and awkward? A guy that cute and talented? I kind of doubt it. He married, what? Three times? I don't think that kind of humor works when girls do it. Whatever. Listen... what the hell were we talking about?

Oh, yeah. "Whispering Pines" is at least partly about Jesus...