Next week my boss will be attending a conference in San Diego with two members of our Background Unit for Background Investigators. That's the unit you should be afraid of when you apply for a job with our department: if you lie or neglect to disclose something, they will find out about it. (Since I don't think I've ever come out and ID'd the department I work for, you'll just have to be afraid next time you apply for a job.) Anyway, since I helped with the travel arrangements and talked to the guy in San Diego about what they're going to be covering, I know one thing, and that is this: they're going to be learning how to use the Internet, namely, MySpace, for background investigations.
So I wondered if I should put a secret message to my boss on my MySpace page...? I've been re-reading my stuff on this blog, and have gone back a little ways and I don't think I have anything to be worried about, necessarily (if, however, in the next couple of days you spot something I missed, please let me know!), except maybe that she will find out what an incredibly BORING person I am.
Anyway, Hi Boss! I hope you're having fun in SD!
..
I had a massage last night, and as always, it was perfect. How does that guy do it? You know, he works on me for awhile, standard massage stuff, and then he starts with his weird reiki shit. He never calls it reiki - I don't know what he thinks he's doing or what he's supposed to be doing, I only know that I totally love it. He knows what he's doing, whatever it is. Anyway, he asked me today, what it felt like. He had his hand, his fingers, actually, on my gall bladder when he asked me that. It didn't feel good, but it wasn't uncomfortable, either. I have some pain there, occasionally, but I'm never exactly sure where my gall bladder is. And then earlier this week I thought I might have a bladder infection (I don't), and of course all that stuff is, you know, close together (you can see that I have a firm grasp on my anatomy). Anyway, my mom had problems with her gall bladder, and you know how you think about stuff like that sometimes? Like I wonder if I will have the same cancer she had? Or cancer, at all? I say "wonder" but I think I mean, "worry." Or possibly, "obsess." I mean, how did that happen to her? Am I doing the same things that caused her to...? But right then I wasn't thinking that. In fact, though a few moments before we had been talking about flutes and trains and Captain Beefheart and Dr. John, right then, I wasn't really thinking anything. My mind was a big blank. My mind looked like the ceiling: full of holes.
Whatever he does, he makes me feel very, very comfortable, and I definitely feel the warmth thing, especially down in my legs. But I didn't really know what to say. Do I buy this whole business? I don't know. So I said, I'm trying to imagine what you're doing, and see if I can understand it. He liked that answer, I think. It was a bit off the cuff: I was kind of embarrassed at my lack of ability to tell him how it felt (someone else commented on that to me, fairly recently. I can write all this shit, but when it comes right down to it, saying how I feel, at the moment? That's hard for me. I wish it wasn't). Anyway, at the end of the session, he goes, "You know, I can feel something in you. You seem like you want to make a change in here [he touched my heart], though, I don't really see that you need to. You're trying to make a shift, aren't you?"
I got a tiny bit freaked out - I mean, this guy is really good at what he does. I can see that. I feel that. I walk out of there every time feeling like a new person. Maybe I never said it, or told anybody. But dude - he gets me, totally. I know we talk a lot, and I'm sure I reveal more than I think I do (I told him, for instance, that when I told Patrick I wanted to play the drums because I want to "rock out," and Patrick replied, "Why don't you just do it on your flute," how that kind of pissed me off, that Patrick didn't get it at first), so it's not magic, what he said. But still: pretty accurate.
I don't know if I should be writing about this, actually. I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that shift, or to even identify exactly what it is. If I could. You know how they say you have to admit you have a problem before you can solve it? My problem is no big deal; nobody else would probably even notice it if I made whatever shift it is I want to make. I mean, I'm not going to run off with the circus or quit my job or anything. This is not a big change I want to make. But I do know that sometimes my thoughts are pretty fucked up. I would like to not have such fucked up thoughts.
That seems easy enough, doesn't it?
(I'd also like to stop eating so much. The past two weeks I have been an eating machine, and tomorrow I get weighed for the first time since before my trip to Albuquerque. I am not looking forward to it. Oink, oink.)
No comments:
Post a Comment