Friday night.
Patrick's in the garage, where he recently set himself up with a super fast, super loaded computer with two giant monitors and all his new fancy music equipment. He's having a fun time figuring it all out.
I'm laying here on the couch, the cats are nearby, completing my traffic school obligation, watching The Old Grey Whistle Test: Tom Petty. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've always had a crush on Tom Petty. He seems cool, no? Right now he's wearing a blue and white seersucker jacket and a button-down shirt in a darker shade of blue, and jeans. He's also sporting Patrick Supple's (that's a real name, people: some guy I've known since kindergarten) haircut. He looks great, but boy, is he skinny. I think the thing about him that I'm attracted to is his nose. He has a great looking, pointy nose.
I know I'm weird.
The reason I'm here, blogging, is that I guess I'm a faster reader than Easy Fast Cheap Online Traffic School was expecting. They won't let me proceed from the lessons to the quizzes until I've spent a certain amount of time on each page... and sitting there waiting for a couple minutes to pass so the slow readers can catch up is kind of lame.
Tonight's trip to traffic school is for the speeding ticket I got a few months back right in front of the entrance to my work... the motorcycle cop parked in the driveway next to ours, caught me in his trap, and followed me into the parking lot. He was no Tom Petty - he was a jerk. I was totally embarrassed. And I was totally speeding.
Oh, Tom: you should smile more. I wonder what he's really like. I'd love it if they'd do "Stop Dragging My Heart Around," but who would he pull out to do the girl's part? Tom, I'll do it with you: I can sing the hell out of that part. Honest. I always forget what a great singer Tom Petty is. "Breakdown" is an incredibly simple song, with like 20 words or something in the lyrics; there's not a whole lot going on, but he makes it interesting.
Well, that's over... so I'm now watching "Rock Goes to College: The Police." I recorded this awhile ago, and won't let Patrick delete it. A couple of things I love about it:
-How young and totally adorable Andy looks. I guess Sting had started his "beautiful man" campaign around this time (well, maybe right after), and he looks like a rock star, even in his weird mechanic's outfit/flightsuit, but Andy, short little Andy with his pick in his mouth and his high-waisted trousers and his Harpo Marx haircut - totally cute. I think his shirt might even have a Peter Pan collar. Sweet!
-Stewart's classic tube socks and short-shorts - he's all in green for this concert, and he's absolutely beautiful. Even green shoes! Some woman must've dressed him: personally I think it's a bit much. And I wish directors of music videos and live concerts would figure out that we don't want to see the fancy stick work or shots of blurry cymbals. Give me some face, some neck, some forearm, and a lot more face, please.
-The Police lack the ability to creatively end a song - it drives me crazy. And I love having the same complaint, over and over, and after it drives me crazy, in a strange way it also keeps me sane. Well, mostly sane. Keep reading...
-I LOVE the way Stewart has to arch his neck to reach the mic to sing backup on "So Lonely." It looks a little uncomfortable. It makes his neck all long and white, and totally sexy. Have I mentioned I have a rather odd fixation on Stewart's neck? Later the way the vein sticks out is particularly thrilling to me. And the Adam's apple business...! Well. It doesn't hurt that this is possibly my #2 favorite Police song.
-The little "call and answer" section in "So Lonely." Sting asks the English college kids how they feel, and they go, "Lonely!" He does it twice. If Sting ever wants to know how I feel, I wonder if "lonely" will be the first word on my lips? No, I'll probably just say "wow."
-The way Sting seems to think "Fallout" is a good song.
-The way Stewart adds what seem to me to be superfluous "Yeahs" to "Hole in My Life," right before Sting throws in a little "Fixing a Hole," by the Beatles. I see the connection, but it's so lame. Wait, this list is supposed to consist of things I love? Okay, I guess what I'm saying is, I love the extra "yeah"s.
-The way Sting adds extra words to the song titles: "This is called, 'I Hope Someone Gets My Message In a Bottle.'" I hope so, too.
(Oh, wait, I've used that line here before, haven't I?)
-The way Stewart sometimes bites his lower lip...
-The way Stewart's left forearm hits his thigh... it might be that he's a little tired or maybe it's just bad form, or maybe he's too tall, or maybe it's none of those things. His forearms are sexy, too. Should I shut up now?
-Andy's guitar solo in "Peanuts." Peanuts is probably my #4 favorite Police song, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't do the solo this well on the album. We'll just ignore Sting throwing in a little bit of "Tequila!" there. This time.
OK, so that's over, and now I'm watching their Live Earth performance. Somehow Sting manages to look as if ony five years have passed since their performance on "Rock Goes To College," and Andy, while a tad jowly, looks darned good for a man of sixty something. Though... did he get a nose job? Stewart... well, Stewart looks way better in person. His playing is amazing, but the shirt, the gloves, the headband, the earpiece... it's all a little too geriatric drummer in space for me. I'm sorry: I had to say it. I still love you, Stewart, you and your splash cymbals and your weird tempo variations: you are gorgeous.
"Driven to Tears," the song they opened with: it's not a particularly exciting song to me, but I can see why they chose it for this occasion. I wish Stewart would lose the headband. On the other hand, Andy's solo? Yes, of that I am a fan. Patrick's in the other room now and he keeps calling out to me, "What happened to that song?" I'm not sure, either. They've obviously played around with the arrangement...
Now they're on to "Roxanne," and I wish Sting would listen to himself sing this, with me. So I could point out to him that he's totally lost the feel for this song. Wait, did I just intimate that I could teach Sting a thing or two about singing his own song? Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry, I guess I got a bit ahead of myself there. He's singing it so straight now it's killing me. His "I won't share you with another boy" is just awful. In fact, I started singing it the "right" way... and Patrick just told me to stop because the neighbors can hear me. It is Friday night, after all. Well. Maybe I need a beer. And please. Don't even get me started on the new stupid-ass "interlude" they've added to the middle. I'm sure Stewart and Andy are contractually obligated to play this crap, I really hope they're not in love with it. And then the whole thing just slows down so much... it's sounds a little tired. They must have perfected this by now, after all this time on the road. I don't remember how it sounded at Dodger Stadium. Roxanne-o!
Next up: "Can't Stand Losing You," probably tied for #2 as far as my favorite Police songs goes (somebody compile that list for me, will you? I've totally lost track). Andy is totally off, and Stewart is sticking out his tongue, and his eyes are closed (right before "and my LP records and they're all scratched"). He must be thinking very hard right then. He's not singing along during the "e-yo, e-yeah, e-yeah yo" part. And: again with the slowing down. Jeez.
John Mayer's added his touch to "Message In a Bottle," and I love, love, love, the push he gives this song. I worried that they would take it slower or somehow fuck up my favorite Police song, but no: it sounds terrific. Sting seems to have remembered the proper title of his song. Even though Sting's body looks totally ripped and yoga-licious, I've noticed that his arms aren't very muscle-y. I'm a little surprised. He's getting those weird long David Bowie arms. And now: Kanye West adds his gross "uhs" and I have to mute it, because the way he rhymes "bottle" with "tomorrow" seriously makes me sick. Physically ill. Who the fuck does this guy think he is, saying, "throw up your arms like you just don't care"? To this crowd? At this concert? And please don't say "irony" to me. I seriously doubt it. Oh! Kill him! Get him off! Where's your gong now, Stewart?
Well, even though I have vowed to sleep in tomorrow, I do have an 11:30 waxing appointment scheduled for tomorrow, so unless I want to be doing traffic school all fucking weekened, I'd better get to it.
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