Thursday, October 11, 2007

Say I'm the Only Bee In Your Bonnet

So, I think I'm finally getting back to normal. Well... maybe. I don't know. It's been a rough time, lately. I had about a three or four weeks of total craziness, and I think I might be coming out to the other side - but I'm not sure.

I don't really know what it is that had me all frazzled and crazy. My job has gotten quite overwhelming, so I don't think it's exactly right for me to say, "I don't really know..." But how I got into that position, how I let it happen, well, I'm not sure, exactly. With every new task, with every new request, I felt myself totally slipping into a hole, and I was starting to wonder how the hell I was going to dig myself out.

I've probably written what I'm about to write before: I know that I think of myself as being lazy and a flake, and sort of a laid-back person. I also know I could probably not be more wrong in my self-assessment (maybe not the flake part)... yet I'm surprised by how I react to stress.

Which is to say, BADLY. I lost it, a little bit, there for awhile. I fell so behind that things that couldn't be forgotten, things that needed follow-up - those things got out of my control. I was working hard, but instead of getting through my whole in-box and actually completing every task by the end of every day, instead, there were days when I hadn't touched all the papers in my in-box, I had no idea what was even in there. And I was starting to self-judge based on the amount of things I did or didn't accomplish that day, and it was making me very unhappy, tired, and a zombie once I got home.

There was also that incident with a co-worker about my priorities, and who sets them for me (um, that would be me, and my boss, which this person is not). I didn't write much in detail about it before, but I think now might be a good time for an excerpt. So let me set the stage...

I was assigned to work on a project with this person by my boss. This was during the height of me feeling overwhelmed, and overloaded. We had a meeting with some other staff to discuss our project, and when we returned to the office, she handed me a folder full of these forms she had the attendees fill out with their contact information, and she goes, "Irene, since you're so good at it, could you make a spreadsheet of this information?"

And at first, I was like, OK, I can do that. I am good at it, it's easy, it'll take a few minutes, what's the big deal. But then I sat down at my desk and saw the 50 emails I'd received in the two hours we'd been gone, the items I'd been pushing around on my desk but hadn't actually made any progress on, and I kind of started to hyperventilate.

And it was right then that I started analyzing the way this person interacts with me, the way she works it out so that I end up helping her with technical things at the drop of a hat, the way she started using my form for tracking assignments, the way she speaks to me. And I will admit that I started to get a little pissed off. So I set her folder aside and started working on my other projects, the things that my boss needed that day, that hour, and I tried to forget about it.

Later, we were working with the information (our project involves signing up our staff to work with this online program. It's turning out to be a huge pain in the ass because many of the staff interested in participating don't have access to the Internet at work (experience has shown that no-limits access to the Internet is just way too tempting for our employees), we were running into a lot of problems, and she asked me, in an email, to contact the people we'd been working with outside our department to set this thing up. She had been the main source of contact, and I'd had a minimal amount of contact with these people, and, as I was working on another "need it right now" project for my boss, I couldn't just stop in the middle to do what she needed.

And I said no.

This is what I said when she asked me to contact them:

Right now I am working on a couple of priority assignments for my boss, and I will be out of the office tomorrow in training and unable to follow up. Have you tried contacting _____ from ___ for assistance? ___ probably doesn't have any info about ___'s email system. We may not be the only ones with this problem. I'm sorry that I'm unable to provide any further assistance on this right now. If it can wait until Monday, I would be happy to make the phone calls then.

So that's me, saying no, politely. Maybe a bit too detailed, I should've just said "Can't do it right now, but will follow up on Monday." Anyway, here's the response I got:

Irene: Please do not send me another email expressing that you are unable to assist with this Program as you are working on a special priority assignment for _____. Well I am too. And I am sure every one else is as well. I would think as the co-Director, this is the least you can do to assist with the program.

OK, so I know it's not that horrible. Looking at it now, it still pisses me off, but at the time, I was really, really angry about it. I was angry because this person cannot write. I was angry because of the first line - "Please do not send me another email..." is just a fucked up way to address someone who has responded to your request with an apology and who offered to help you at a later date. Her response also lacks the neutral tone that I was taught one should affect when writing email to co-workers. Her saying "please" does not make this go down any easier. "This is the least you can do" is just adding insult to injury.

So I sat at my desk for about five minutes and feverishly typed out a response, and then I deleted it. And then I sent this message to her and cc'd my boss:

"This will have to wait until Monday. I'll meet with you then to discuss."

And then I took a walk.

I guess what I was pissed off about was that I didn't really defend myself. Yeah, I said no, and I didn't drop everything to do this one thing for her. I certainly didn't apologize again. But it made me review all my past interactions with this person, and I realized that I had sort of been flattered into working for her on more than one occasion. I accepted that she was technically deficient, and instead of scorning her for her lack of computer (and writing) skills, I came in all gallant and helpful, and I did her work for her, because, I'll admit it, she sort of intimidates me.

So whenever it is that this happened, not only was I mad about what happened, but I was disappointed in myself. And that lasted for awhile.

I've probably had a few moments lately like this. And I'm sure there will be more. It's just a shock to me, a little, when I lose control of my own perception of who I am, and how I'm supposed to react. And it makes me a little afraid of how I deal with stuff. Stress, and change, and intimidating people, and deadlines, and pressure.

I'm still thinking about all that stuff, and I haven't been writing about it. Maybe now I will. Or maybe now this is all I have to say on the subject.

...

So, I'm still working in the booth at City Garage for Heiner Muller's "Quartet," which was extended through next weekend, and closes on Sunday, October 21. You should really go see it, because it's an awesome show. I've also signed on to work in the booth for the upcoming show, Ionesco's "The Bald Soprano," which opens sometime in November. And flute choir is under way again, and I'm excited about that, because we have a couple of new players, and that's always fun. And I've backed off of flute lessons for the time being because practicing, or rather, not practicing, was making me feel an enormous amount of guilt, yet, I was not compelled to practice. Obviously guilt alone is not compelling enough to make me do (or not do) something. And it was sort of making me crazy. More on this another time.

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