This is what happens when I drink a regular Pepsi instead of Diet Coke:
From: Irene
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:54 PM
To: Andrea
Subject: RE: Andrea also commented on her status...
See? The truth is I hate your co-workers and truly enjoy mocking them. Your co-workers make my co-workers look good. In comparison with your co-workers, my co-workers look like, how do you say? Geniuses. If I had to work with those cretins on an ongoing basis I would be very, very unhappy. There would be scratch marks on my arms. I would hide food in my desk. I would cry in the bathroom on a regular basis. I would start smoking again. I would develop a hacking cough recognizable to the whole department. You, my friend, in enduring the parade of ignoramuses that makes up the No Name Department Human Resources Management Office, are a saint. You deserve a treat. For pointing this out, I deserve a treat. Oh, for a field trip to Rite Aid for some chocolate malted crunch.
On my walk this morning, the Sheriff's were training their new recruits on the art of clearing or searching the trunk of car. It was exciting to watch - out of a group of about 15, the instructor had all the women doing the exercise. One had her gun out, and somehow opened the trunk from the outside. Two other women were about 25 feet away, and were in that crouched stance that's so recognizable from cop movies like "Running Scared," also with their guns out. The other recruits watching looked scared. The instructor asked, "Is this how you're comfortable doing it?" I suspected that if the answer was "Yes," that it would be wrong. As I passed by, an instructor not actively involved in what was going on was standing by where I was walking. He was talking on a cell phone. He was built like - like - damn, he was built. Dude looked at me in my goofy floppy hat, waved at me, and said "hi."
How do I sign up to be a Sheriff? I love how I look in hats and khaki.
From: Andrea
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:48 PM
To: Irene
Subject: RE: Andrea also commented on her status...
HA HA HA HA!!!!! Why didn’t I think of that? It works with Hugo!
From: Irene
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:37 PM
To: Andrea
Subject: RE: Andrea also commented on her status...
You should print out your emails and walk over there with your hot little feet and say, "Hi, there, [ Maria ]. Did you get my email? I need an answer, you deadbeat loser, or else I'm putting you in a sleeper hold."
Or perhaps you could bribe them with food. At the very bottom of all your emails, or maybe in your signature, insert a message like this:
Irene's Full On Name, Irene's Title
Company Irene Works For / Department Irene Works For
Division Irene Works In / Section Irene Works In
(800) 555-1234 / Telephone
(800) 556-1234 / Fax
If you read this entire message, understand what it is I need from you, and send the answer to my enquiry within 24 hours I will give you a cookie. Good dog.
From: Andrea
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:35 PM
To: Irene
Subject: RE: Andrea also commented on her status...
Yah. The bottoms of my feet are hot!!! Feels like I’ve been walking barefoot at the beach.
How can I get people to read my emails? Both the [Deadbeat Unit No. 1] and [Deadbeat Unit No. 2] are ignoring me. Constantly.
I’m starting to take it personally.
From: Irene
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:22 PM
To: Andrea
Subject: FW: Andrea also commented on her status...
Are you at work? What are you up to?
No comments:
Post a Comment