Endorphins?

Just a reminder: nothing truly dramatic has happened yet. I mean, since yesterday. If you're looking for drama or anything other than a gentle, slight humor (sprinkled with a healthy dosage of the word "fuck") and random stories about my dreams, Stewart Copeland, and the cats, well, let me be the first one to tell you, you are obviously in the wrong place.

After we got home yesterday from Easter with Patrick's brother and his family (yummy food: feverishly paced egg hunt, delicious deviled eggs, lamb cake!), Patrick headed off to buy some drum stuff from a guy who lives in Belmont Shore. I had wanted to go with him but I was tired, so I came home. I got online and did a bit of review for the exam I had this morning. I kept thinking - I need to go to bed early, I need to go to bed early.

It was a nice quiet evening, so at around 10:30 I got ready to go to bed. It was so hot, though, I couldn't get comfortable. I played some Scrabble on my iPod, listened to music (George Harrison is good for quiet-time), tossed and turned, and felt like I was driving Patrick crazy. By this time it was around 12:30, and I just couldn't sleep. So I came out into the living room, made up the couch (if one puny pillow and a sheet is "made"), and actually slept until 3:30.

At 3:30 I woke up, shivering, and went back to bed. I tried not to think, "I need to get up in 2 and half hours," and for once succeeded. I got back in bed, and fell asleep until 6, when Patrick woke me up (he's still working his ass off, getting up at 5, visiting every library in town).

So, with the bad sleeping, getting up way too early, the crazy amount of food I ate, the stress of taking a mysterious exam, let's just say I wasn't the happiest girl in town this morning.

And - that exam was hard. I had expected it to be hard, but I also expected to do well. I'm really not sure how I did... There were a lot of things I didn't know or guessed at. I know some people take these exams several times, and maybe I will too, but still, I guess I do have a healthier ego than I think, because I do expect to do well at these things. When I don't, it's disappointing. Or maybe people with healthy egos aren't disappointed? I'll have to wait and see. Who knows. One thing that pissed me off was, when I got back to work, my boss asked about the exam. I should've said, "It was fine." But instead I said, "It was harder than I expected, but hopefully I'll get a good AP!" I was trying to be positive (and hinting, sure). The AP is the part of the exam where your supervisor has to determine if you're good enough to do the job. Your score on the exam is a combination of the test and the AP. She made some comment about, "well, if you passed..." I didn't say I didn't pass, I just said it was harder than I thought.

Anyway, I worked at my desk for about 30 minutes, and then I tried to talk my co-worker into switching lunches with me, but she didn't want to. She's been running around working on this same stupid project forever. She's behind, and will never catch up or get it into order. Honestly, her doing this project, which isn't that hard (and is just about the only thing she does) is so frustrating to me. I don't see how she accomplishes so little while looking like she's working so hard. And in the meantime, her workspace and all her crap (files, boxes, piles of papers, etc.) bleeds into my workspace, and I feel like I'm slowly being suffocated. Her shit is everywhere. Anyway, she was telling me the details of some other thing she's supposed to be working on (it's not her fault this is taking so long - another unit in our department is involved, and they're slower than even her), and I was sitting there, dying for her to get to the point, which was: they didn't do what they were supposed to do. She hasn't followed up with them. I was pissed, because while she's playing around with her other project, our boss is asking us why this other shit isn't done. I had a lot to do today, and being out this morning slowed me down. I was pissed off, and I guess that's because I hadn't really slept last night. People were asking me for stuff, I had to plan my time wisely, and while this woman was telling the extended version of why this other thing wasn't done, my stack of work seemed to be growing. I have a very bad, rude, habit of typing while this woman is talking to me, but seriously, if I stopped and listened to her every time she opened her mouth, I'd still be sitting at my desk now (it's 10:25). My friend who sits a few cubicles down sent me an email that said "It sounds as if you two are about to fight!" I didn't think my tone of voice was that harsh, but it was a good reality check.

It also seemed like a good time to go to lunch.

When I got back I put my head down and started finishing stuff up. I was still in a pissy mood, but calmer on the outside, laughing a little (thanks to my friend who bought me a very silly Easter chicken... photo later). Getting shit done is very calming, too.

When I left work at 6:15, I decided to go for a walk when I got home. I didn't really want to - but Patrick was visiting with his friend in Culver City, and there's nothing in the house to cook or eat right now, and I didn't want to go to the store... so a walk seemed like a nice idea. It absolutely was a good idea. I changed clothes, loaded up the iPod, and headed out. Our house if very close to a huge park, and it wasn't dark yet when I left. I told myself to walk wherever for 30 minutes, and then walk home. I had an idea of what direction I wanted to go in, but no real destination.

Our neighborhood is way family oriented, and there were tons of moms and dads out with their kids, as well as solo joggers, and soccer teams, and bicyclists and dog walkers. It was so nice, walking through the park. After about 20 minutes, I was in a part of the park I've never walked through, and was presently surprised: there's a freakin' lake, and bridges. It's quite nice. At this point I had the Police playing, and I was starting to feel better.

I was listening to "Ghost In the Machine" (Omegaman, Darkness, and Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic are my favorite tracks), and then it was on to Outlandos d'Amour. And suddenly I wasn't pissed off anymore. I was cruising along, in the dark now, bobbing my head a little with the beat, crashing along with Stewart's cymbals, keeping a nice fast-ish pace: and it was gorgeous out. I wasn't too hot, the sky was that super-dark blue right before it turns black, there were trees everywhere, and I was happy. It was fun. Now, I know what endorphins are, but I don't think my silly little 60 minute walk, nor my pace (quite possibly a snail's pace), was enough to really produce any sort of runner's (or walker's) high. All I know is, I was about 5 minutes short of a full hour when I hit my block, so I decided to take another cruise down the street to use up all the time.

Let me tell you straight out: I'm a cheater. I lie, cheat and steal, and I have no problem with any of that (as long as I don't get caught), especially when it comes to exercise. Tonight I didn't cheat. Instead, I started up "Next To You" again, turned it up, and jammed on down the street one more time.