... on Thursday I had my ass handed to me on a platter?
Well, sort of. It did take me rather by surprise. And hey, my ego has been delicate lately, so if this story seems a bit maudlin, so be it.
We got a new person in flute choir this quarter, and she's amazing. Really good, young, player, with expressive beautiful style. We were sight-reading something I'd never heard or seen before (hence the expression "sight reading") and her part (she was on flute 1, solo) sounded damn hard: she nailed it. Turned out later that it's one of her favorite pieces and she probably has it memorized; still, her playing was gorgeous. I haven't sounded gorgeous in flute choir in a while. In fact, I've been pretty tired and worn out and not exactly wowing anybody. I mean, I can appreciate a good player same as the next person, and comparisons are stupid, but is it wrong to admit that at the same time I was admiring her playing, I was a tiny bit - Oh, let's not say it, after all. I guess you know what I'm getting at.
There's always going to be someone better than you (see how I've taken the "I" out of this part?) - I know that. I know from all the flute conventions I've been to that my lazy-ass style of practicing and working on stuff won't exactly win me any awards, but in my small pond... it's been good enough. God, I hate all this re-evaluating I've been having to do lately, and I don't mean just about flute playing, but about how I deal with stress at work, and with my friends, and life in general. I'm not telling everything I've been dealing with, on the inside, lately. I'm also still trying to figure out how I really feel about my flute playing and what I want from it, and if the way I've been doing it is good enough (the answer is probably "no" but that would mean I need to work harder or just give it up completely; those options are both, right now, impossible). And while her playing was inspiring and I do get jazzed about all the good players I get to work with in flute choir, and normally I don't take it this way (a challenge!; which is dumb, I know), it was also a wake up call.
Maybe I needed it.
I can understand how you feel. Rachel did play that piece perfectly. And yes, I'm sure Patty was drooling which means she'll be fawning all over her soon enough. That's more annoying if you ask me than being lucky enough to have another good player in the group.
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed by your playing. Maybe because you're the best in the group (and you know it even if you don't admit it) you've been complacent and resting on those flute laurels. I don't blame you. That's how I was in high school. If you feel up to the challenge, practice some more. If not, I don't think your position in the group is in any danger in anyone's mind.
Still I understand you're aggrevation and I know you appreciate her playing too. I'm not helping. But you're not feeling anything unusual. You're allowed. I don't know all the other things that have been going on but don't let this get your down. This is a volunteer group. We're not the LA Phil where our careers depend on it. It's supposed to be fun and no pressure. Don't add the extra pressure on yourself.