Patrick and I have been watching this show on the Sundance Channel, called "One Punk Under God.: It's pretty entertaining. I grew up watching Jim and Tammy Faye with my mom on TV. I had their kids' album when I was really little, and I really liked it. In fact, I'm bummed because I don't know what happened to it. But then my mom started dragging me to church with her all the time, and making me sing in front of people, sometimes dressed as a cowgirl (I swear I don't know why I had to wear a cowgirl costume; however, it's not the outfit that's the problem. It's the fact that I was actually singing in front of people. "Let the Sun Shine In," was a big favorite of mine. You can hear somebody with slightly more talent that I had singing it here), and she would have people in these weird store-front churches [usually next door to vacuum repair shops] lay hands on me for problems I didn't have, and it just got all weird and uncomfortable, and I hated it.
Don't get me started on Pioneer Girls, or Vacation Bible School... Being dragged somewhere I didn't want to go, doing things I didn't want to do (mostly because at Pioneer Girls, they made us play games before the Jesus stuff kicked in, and I sucked at dodgeball) didn't make me want to buy what they were selling. It was just so not cool.
I mean, when I think about it, I realize that all this stuff was new to my mom, too: she'd been Catholic all her life, where they avoided touching her - touching her physically (my mom was lucky) or touching her heart. She was looking for something different, and boy, did she find it. She's settled into a church that's not as wacky as some of those first places we went to, but yeah, they still stage the Crucifixion every Easter: you can always see some guy dressed as Jesus with a fake crown of thorns, walking down the aisle of the church with fake blood dripping out of his side. I mean, it's still out there. But it's not supposed to be acceptable to me. I have to find my own thing, or determine whether or how I even want it.
I'll tell the truth: all that Christian stuff bugs me. Really, really bugs me. I distrust those televangelist people, and because of their mistakes and what looks like hypocrisy, it's hard for me to take any of it, even the sincere people. And please don't even get started in on religion + government. I turn away from it. I don't like discussing it, because I feel like I always take the defensive side, even if that's not how I really feel. I don't like having it foisted on me (unless the person doing the foisting is Anne Lamott. When it's her I'm pretty much on board. But her last book was disappointing), some medicine that will save my ruined life.
And then, you know, in spite of "having faith," sometimes my mom seems to not have a whole lot of peace. And it seems to me, I mean, if you believe as hard as she does, you should have a little peace from it. But I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I mean, I don't know how it really works.
I used to make my mom mad, because whenever she said something I took as "judgmental," I would "remind" her (with what was probably a really annoying manner) what the bible says about judging. I used to tell her: You don't know what God thinks. You don't know what God has in store for you, or me, or that person: you don't have the authority to tell me that I'm going to hell. Or that because people don't believe as you do, those people should be converted, or argued into submission, made to believe what you believe. She used to get really pissed off, because there I was, telling her that her faith wasn't good enough for me.
So the thing is, we've been watching this show. At first I wasn't sure how I was going to like it. I mean, the only thing punk so far about Jay Bakker is his look (his wife is a really interesting character on the show, and very pretty). The show basically has no soundtrack (or else I've been too busy listening to him talk to the music... on the Sundance website, his bio lists his favorite music, and there's not much punk listed there). Anyway, last week he made an announcement... he told his church, his financial backers, his father, that he doesn't believe that homosexuality is a sin.
It was interesting to see that the immediate result was that his church lost pretty much all of it's funding. I'm waiting to see if he can back it up - if he can make it, thinking these inclusive thoughts and saying things like this - or if he's going to be beaten down and silenced. I want to see him fight this one out, and succeed.
I'm not sure about him still. I mean, I'm not jumping on the bandwagon just yet. But I think I'm getting close. This guy really seems to have an attitude about religion, something I've always been drawn to, in spite of my wanting it to look like I've rejected it, that's kind of attractive. I don't know. Don't expect me to get all weird about it. In fact, I hope to not mention it again. I guess the thing is, I have preconceptions about it too. And they're based on my experiences, but that doesn't mean that I'm judging it fairly: "it" being - God, Christianity, religion. I mean, I could be wrong about it, too.
I have to really think about it - just because I had a crappy experience when I was nine doesn't mean that's what it is now. Or that I'll stop saying "fuck." Or that I'll be unafraid. Or change.
I don't know. We'll have to wait and see.
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