Follows are several scenarios of what could possibly happen when I go see the Police, next month. Holy shit! Next month!
Look, if I were to come into, say, hugging distance of Stewart Copeland (and I know there's not much chance of that happening; this is a hypothetical situation), I just want to state for the record that I know that there's a fine line between enthusiasm and assaulting someone.
I get that.
I understand that the artists don't necessarily want to be in physical contact with their fans. I just can't promise that I'll be cool. I will try to be cool. But I have a feeling that I'm going to be very excited, and even from nine miles away (approximately how far our seats are from the field), I will be imagining that Stewart will Know I am there (just, please, don't fuck up, Stewart. It would be very bad for my marriage for you to play less than brilliantly. I'm serious), and maybe come up and talk to us. And invite us to his home, or something.
Yeah.
Anyway, in case I can't control myself, it's pretty much a given that any one of the following scenarios could occur (it's a choose your own adventure!):
A: I throw myself on stage and start singing "Does Everyone Stare" and get arrested for assault while loudly proclaiming my undying love for Stewart. Look at me, Stewart! I love you! Okay, well then I guess I need to find my own way home, huh.
B: Stewart feels sorry for the little geek (me), posts my bail, and takes me to a romantic spot for coffee. He looks into my big brown slightly skewed eyes, and falls in love. Desperately and passionately in love, both our gray hair turns back blond or brown, respectively.
C. Stewart feels sorry for the little geek (me), posts my bail, and takes me to a romantic spot for coffee (which I don't drink. At this point I should probably be drinking something much stronger. Like bleach), and falls in love with the little geek (still me), and then Patrick, heartbroken and bitter, divorces me.
D. Stewart is so old and brittle [I hope he can take a joke], that when I "hug" (read: assault) him, he breaks an arm. Forced to drop out of the long-awaited reunion tour, he fights one last balls-out fight with Sting. 25 years of bitterness and jealousy explode. Sting kicks him out of the band for good, and doesn't even give him the name of his physical therapist. Sting and Andy hold an open audition to find a replacement drummer. Patrick auditions and gets the gig.
E. Wait. I can't think of anything better than the last part of D.
